Robbie Tripp Is The Poster Boy For Our Complete ‘Failure Of Expectation’
As soon as I saw Robbie Tripp’s post last week, I took to facebook to express my annoyance at the level of unwarranted praise his ‘love note’ was receiving.
I don’t imagine Robbie Tripp is a bad guy. In fact, I imagine he was genuinely trying to make his wife feel good, and perhaps he did.
The ‘love note’ itself is largely Robbie Tripp listing his wife’s physical attributes.
‘Cute little dimples on her butt’, ‘filling out her jeans’, ‘stretch marks’.
He says he loves his wife and finds her sexy even though society tells him he should not.
The mainstream media occasionally decides to jump on something like this as an ‘antidote’ to the objectification of women we see all around us. Unfortunately, all I see here is more objectification of women.
The thing is, Robbie Tripp, reducing a woman to how you desire her and her physical attributes (no matter what they are!) is objectification, pure and simple. It isn’t progressive and it certainly isn’t feminism. It’s a slightly prettier packaging for something that is pervasive and damaging.
The contradiction of being a body positive activist and using the phrase ‘real woman’ is just too obvious not to point out. ‘Real woman’ is a phrase that Robbie Tripp and many others feel comfortable using, but it’s just a blank canvas to which a person can apply their preferences, any preferences, and worst of all it’s a comparison. Labelling a certain ‘type’ as a real woman means someone else is not a real woman. So here he qualifies his wife’s beauty against other’s. Porn stars aren’t real women? Skinny girls aren’t real women?
In my opinion, for body positivism to take worthwhile strides it has to be inclusive. It has to include all types of bodies that are often excluded from the common narrative. Black bodies, brown bodies, skinny bodies, short bodies, broad bodies, tall bodies, scarred bodies, disabled bodies. The phrase ‘real woman’ implies that there is a pinnacle to which other bodies should aspire. That everything outwith this ‘real woman’ is less real or less than. It is the opposite of body positivism.
I read some of the comments on Instagram and Twitter in support of this love note and there were many from men and women lauding Robbie Tripp as a ‘role model’. So will this be the standard to which males hold themselves and women expect?
Although Robbie Tripp’s post is deeply problematic, the real damage being done is in the aftermath. This isn’t about one man’s actions, this is about our reaction to it. It’s about the inherent lack of expectation of males that exists within our societies.
Sarah Tripp, the recipient of this list of her body parts said ‘I just feel so lucky that I have a husband who has loved every inch of me since the day we met’.
NO. Don’t make it about luck. Expect that.
Expect every partner to possess a brain that does not prioritise the social status of your arse size or cellulite or breast shape above their affection for your ideals/way of thinking/how you treat others/sense of humour.
In fact, we need to take men and the ‘male gaze’ out of the equation when it comes to women’s self esteem and self worth. I feel uncomfortable with how much say men have in what is ‘sexy’ and how important being ‘sexy’ seems to be in the first place. By praising his public acceptance of his wife’s body we are only adding to the idea that women should wait for men to give their approval of bodies. We rely on male opinion and tie our self esteem to their desire and instead of spending time working on ourselves, our own needs, we explain and expound and then praise males for loving their wives. If you say you love your wife it should be fucking implied that it’s for all she is.
Yes, women suffer constant scrutiny with regards to their looks but they also have to work harder at work, perform better at sports, be more active as parents and be more aware of the world around them to earn the societal accolades that men do.
If a man ‘babysits’ for his kids or supports his family after separation or encourages his wife’s breastfeeding. If he fully supports his partner who has postnatal depression, does half of the household chores or doesn’t ask his partner to shave off all her body hair. If he refrains from calling women who enjoy sex ‘sluts’ or dates a woman whose looks exist outwith gender norms. And finally if he lists his wife’s physical attributes and then gives public approval of them, we eat it all up. Any of the above is enough to earn a man a flattering title. As in the case of Robbie Tripp, it’s simply too easy for men to earn the label of ‘feminist’ or ‘activist’. It’s simply too easy for us to be placated.
Expecting so little of men is an incredibly insidious element within our societies.
I read recently that a study by The Universities of Bristol and Central Lancashire found that in the UK 22% of 14–17 year old boys have sexually coerced or abused.
Let that sink in.
Consent still seems to be an issue for many males. A recent study in the U.S. showed that although awareness of consent had increased, the gap in understanding between genders was a cause for concern. Males were always less aware of what constituted sexual assault. When 82% of all juvenile victims of sexual assault and 90% of adult rape victims are female in the U.S. this is not something we can allow to continue.
Whatever you have been told, consent is not a complicated concept to understand. It disturbs me that any person would be unable to grasp that “watching someone in a private act without their knowledge or permission” is considered assault. And yet only 56% of male participants in the study thought hard enough about it that they knew this.
We frequently use language that justifies our constant failure of expectation in males. Most recently was Donald Trump’s ‘Locker room talk’ but this tendency to explain away misogyny is everywhere.
‘Banter’, ‘Jokes’, ‘Boys will be boys’, ‘Male brain’, ‘Men are just more visual’, ‘He didn’t mean anything by it’
And of course with all of these phrases designed to remove male responsibility there are the phrases that demean women who challenge things and tell them to be OK with expecting less.
‘Overly sensitive’, ‘Mental’, ‘Can’t take a joke’, ‘Aggressive’, ‘Frigid’, ‘Boring’
This is just one form of ‘punishment’ that exists for women who decide to expect more from men. We shame women who expect more. We ostracise them.
This is perhaps why it is estimated that in the U.K. only ‘15% of those who experience sexual violence choose to report to the police’. The bulk of this unreported violence will be perpetrated against women.
Every man should understand implicitly that we live within a society where young women face a culture of coercion and competition when they become sexually active. ‘Accidentally’ initiating anal sex with a non-consenting woman is commonplace. It’s rape. Women do 60% more work in our homes (often to the detriment of their mental health, something I explore in my piece on post natal depression) and earn less at work. 30% of young men list the ‘Hollywood’ (no pubic hair) as their preferred pubic hair style and half of all women under the age of 35 remove all their body hair. Girls as young as 14 remove all their body hair. Only 15% of men listed their preference on pubic hair as ‘no preference’ and men also pointed out that while they wouldn’t ‘end a hook up’ because of their partner’s pubic hair (how generous), they might refuse to pleasure her because blergh.
(I wasn’t asked, and although it flies in the face of 80% of male preference, my preferred pubic hairstyle is ‘unruly, prematurely grey and you’ll like it’.)
Despite there being overwhelming support and praise (enough to boost an ego for a lifetime) Mr. Tripp has decided to label any detractor as a ‘hater’. Instead of reading the incredibly sane pieces that have been written and listening to the points being made, he has simply resolved to be entirely closed off. For someone who is so interested in ‘feminism’ and ‘activism’ on behalf of women everywhere, this could be an incredible learning experience.
And yet, we’ll allow this. We’ll allow the ‘overwhelming majority’ of people to remain unthinkingly resolute that this man has committed an act of revolution. An act to be praised and emulated while we ignore the real revolutionaries and their acts of revolution.
Our lives as women are profoundly affected by male opinion, by what men expect of us. And it would appear that they expect a lot. Is it too hard a task to expect a lot from them?
