A few years ago, I heard a news story about a woman who called 911 at McDonald’s because they were out of chicken nuggets. Don’t you just love the internet? I’m going to find the article now so you know I’m not making this up.
Holy shit, she called three times! And here’s what she told police:
“This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one. This is an emergency.”
I can’t say I blame her. I mean, who wants a McDouble, right?
Unluckily for you, you can’t Google my 911 stories to verify, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Let’s see if i can remember them all.
Non-Panic Attack Related Calls
- Came home from work to find a humongous snake coiled in my dish rack on the kitchen counter. As I was talking to dispatch, the snake slithered up the wall and disappeared behind the refrigerator.
“Hello, yes, um, I’m a single mother and it’s just me and my ten year old daughter, and there’s a snake in my house. Oh my god, it just went behind the refrigerator!!!! Will you send someone right away?”
Two deputies arrived a few minutes later. One slid the refrigerator out from the wall, the other grabbed the snake by its neck, walked outside, and threw it back in my yard. It was only a black snake. Thanks, deputies.
- The same house a few months later. It was around midnight and I was lying in bed trying to sleep, but i kept hearing a rhythmic knocking sound. It sounded like a serial killer tapping on the side of my house with an ice-pick. Knock-knock-knock, I’m here to kill you.
“Hello, yes, it’s me again. I think a serial killer is knocking on the side of my house with an ice-pick of some sort.”
The sheriff and a couple of deputies (thankfully not the deputies who “took care” of the snake) spent about ten minutes scoping my yard with flashlights. Terrified the killer had escaped, I watched their light beams crisscross through the trees in my yard praying they would apprehend him.
Turns out it was just the bathroom exhaust fan on the roof, spinning round and round. Oops.
Panic-Attack Related Calls
- Drank a whole pot of coffee one morning and had a panic attack. Truly I thought I was dying. Called 911 said something like, I think I’m dying. When the ambulance people arrived, I was lying on my daughter’s tiny Dora couch in front of the television unable to move. Given a benzodiazepine in the ER and felt better. Didn’t die.
- Driving down the road. Another panic attack. When the ambulance arrived, my pulse was almost 180. Vaguely remember seeing a firefighter holding my toddler daughter as I was loaded into the ambulance and thinking, “That’s the last time I’ll see my kid.” They shoved nitroglycerin tablets under my tongue and told me I might be ok. Had a chest X-ray and an EKG in the ER, all clear. Given a benzodiazepine. Didn’t die again.
- Two more panic attacks at home. Another ride to the ER in what my friends were now referring to as my “taxi.” The second time the ambulance people finally had me figured out and asked if i had a friend they could call. Friend came over, gave me a glass of water, and she sat knitting calming until my panic attack was over. Didn’t die again.
- Took a pain pill after a surgery, felt weird, had another panic attack. My aunt called 911 for me. Panic attack was over by the time the ambulance arrived. Didn’t die again.
I think that’s all?
All joking aside, panic attacks are tricky bastards. They don’t manifest in the same way every time which makes it difficult to know when you’re in the middle of one, if it is, in fact, a panic attack or you’re actually having a heart attack or some other lethal event.
The term “panic attack” is used so widely misused, some people may think it’s simply feeling a touch of anxiety. For example, “ I almost had a panic attack when McDonald’s ran out of chicken nuggets.” Uhhhh…no, you didn’t.
Here are some of the ways you know you are having a panic attack (or you might actually be dying):
- That organ in your chest keeping you alive acts like a complete asshole. Your heart can pound so hard, it feels like it’s going to explode. Or your heart might just beat too fast, feel all fluttery , and/or like it’s skipping beats. All of it is extremely disconcerting and death feels imminent.
- Breathing — this should be so easy, but now it’s hard. And the more you pay attention to your breathing, the worse it becomes. You try to concentrate on taking deep breaths, but it feels like you’re only getting sips of oxygen. You think your body has forgotten how to breathe and death feels imminent.
- Sights and sounds, where did you run off to? You can go temporarily blind or deaf. I’ve experienced both — death feels imminent.
- Who the hell slipped me some acid? You can feel disconnected with reality. In plain terms, you feel really fucking weird, like you are watching a movie of what’s going on around you, and not in a fun way with a bag of popcorn and a coke. You want the weird movie to be over or you’ll certainly go insane. All in all, a bad acid trip without the acid and death feels imminent.
- Epilepsy, is that you? Your body can shake like you’re having a some sort of seizure. I once laid on the bathroom floor and shook for almost an hour. When I’ve had panic attacks while driving, my legs have shaken too bad to control the pedals. Death…it feels imminent.
- It’s HOT, no COLD…I don’t know! You can feel really hot or really cold or both. One minute you might be drenched in sweat, and the next minute you’re shivering and freezing to death.
- Not the buzz I was hoping for. You can feel so dizzy that you think you’re going to pass out. You think if you pass out, you will die for sure.
- Swallowing, like breathing, should be fairly easy. You can feel like you can’t swallow, not even your own spit. You might try sipping water just to prove to yourself that you can swallow. Even if you can swallow, death feels imminent.
So once you’ve had a panic attack, it should be easy to tell when you’re having another one, right? Absolutely not.
Since panic attacks never feel exactly the same, the irrational part of your brain tells you, Maybe this time it really is a heart attack. Maybe this time you really are going insane.
And every single time, you feel like death is imminent.
Oh, and to make them suck even more, panic attacks occur out of the blue, like an unexpected house guest who doesn’t just knock, but kicks down the goddamn door. And just when you thought you had the house to yourself.
I can’t say that I’ll never call 911 again, but I do know for certain it won’t have anything to do with chicken nuggets. Well, unless I choke on one which is entirely possible, but then someone else would have to call for me.
Peace,
K
