My Honest Resume (now Googling where to put the f*cking accent on resume)

Mediocre Face-Painter

(I’m SHOCKED to have not received any job offers when I originally posted this back in December. Like, what else you want me from other than honesty? “Real” skills….pffft. And since I’m on the job hunt again, I figured I’d cast this out into the world one more time instead of having to find my resume and go to all the trouble of updating it.)

Objective:

A job…duh. A well-paying job for not much work, generally speaking. More specifically, at least six figures for day-dreaming and writing bad poetry. Not a desk job, sitting all day is bad for one’s health (read the studies, it’s true). An outside job in partial shade, 74–78 degrees degrees so I can be perfectly comfortable in only a t-shirt and jeans, with a couch on which I can recline when I’m not pacing around anxiously. Frequent smoke breaks, long lunches, and free snacks (I like Cheetos) are must. Light driving is ok but not in the rain, sleet, freezing rain, snow, hailstorms, the dark, or even the threat of high winds. Available on Tuesdays and Thursdays only from 11:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Not a good team-player but I get lonely if I’m by myself for too long.

Work Experience

Early 1990s:

  • Cashier at the IGA: No recollection of this other than I know I worked there.
  • Illegal Salad Bar Attendant at Golden Corral: Too young to be working, and they didn’t mind until a co-worker cut me with the lemon knife and I had to get stitches, fired for all three reasons.
  • Assistant Horticulturist for the City: Glorified title for weed-puller and flower-waterer, driving the water truck was fun.
  • Greenhouse Worker: Weed-puller again, fired for backing a trailer into a greenhouse. I was sixteen, give me a break.

Employment Gap: Went to college, dropped out after a year and a half.

Mid 1990s:

  • Scroll for Publishing Company: Scrolled through legal text looking for glaring errors (e.g. large chunks of missing text), scrolled eight hours per day for three days and found no errors, lots of employees went on their lunch breaks and simply did not return, quit without notice.
  • Temp for Law Firm: Couldn’t pronounce all the attorneys’ names correctly when I answered the phone (they were hard names and I was nervous), abruptly asked to leave in the middle of my second day.

Employment Gap: Had a baby, stayed home for a few years.

Late 1990s:

Server at Various Restaurants: Just terrible, too ADD to handle more than one two-top at a time.

Customer Service Rep/Financial Rep at Predatory Finance Company: Promoted twice (I was good at something?), regularly engaged in rubber-band-wars with my co-workers when we didn’t have customers, absentmindedly drove off (on more than one occasion)with the bank’s pneumatic transport tubes after making the evening deposits (not arrested).

Employment gap: Went back to school, got pregnant, dropped out of school again, stayed home with child for four years.

Early 2000s:

  • Barista at Starbucks: Found my groove working drive-thru, had a dream one night that deer parts were bobbing up and down in the Frappucino mix and never drank another Frappucino again, still gained in excess of 35 pounds from all the whole milk lattes and pastries, went from an size 8 to a size 12 and had to buy new pants.
  • Server (again) at Applebee’s: Only allowed to work the smoking section because it was never very busy.

Employment Gap: Went back to school for the third time, graduated from UVA with a B.A. in Classics/Latin

2011-ish through the present:

  • Hostess at Some Restaurant: Could not find a job teaching Latin, fired for not smiling more.
  • Mortgage Loan Officer for Finance Company: Only financed trailers in trailer parks (surprisingly good at this and not sure why).
  • Mortgage Loan Officer for a National Mortgage Company: For reals this time yo, no more trailers.

Skills

Really good at translating dead languages (which I have now forgotten), terrified of Excel, ok at Word, very little experience with PowerPoint (excellent at making presentations, however, with poster board and magic markers), decent at making dioramas, mediocre face-painter and Halloween costume maker.

References

Will provide phone numbers upon request of family members with different last names so you won’t know we’re related.

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