Small Talk: The Dreaded “How are you?”

Confessions of a socially awkard introvert who doesn’t know how to answer a simple goddamn question

“How are you?”

It’s a simple question, right? Right?!

Good. Good! Good? I have no idea how to answer this question.

Are you just making small talk or do you really want to know? What’s your motive? What’s your angle?What exactly is your intent? What will you do with this information? Is this a test?

What answer would you like to hear? What answer would make you comfortable? What answer makes me comfortable with you? How am I relative to what? To whom? To Buddha or to a Syrian refugee? Is this a trick? A ruse? I’m no fool. Well, maybe I am. Yes, I am definitely a fool if I can’t answer this question.

Is “how are you?” a normal human way of saying “hi”, “hey,’ or “w’sup?” I can deal with those salutations. If you say hi, I say hi. If you say hey, I say hey. If you say w’sup, I say…um. Wait, that’s like, “How are you?” Shit.

How am I? I don’t fucking know. I’m here. Some days are harder than others. Some days are really good. Other days I can hardly get out of bed. Some days I feel downright giddy. Other days tears spill from my eyes for some unknown reason. No, I know all the reasons, but you probably don’t want to hear about all that. But I could go on and on about how I’m really doing until you decide to run for the hills. I know you’re just being polite though, and I dig it. It’s not you…I truly don’t know the answer to the question. This is why I’m in therapy — to solve the riddle of how I’m doing. I’d really like to know, as well, and when I found out, I’ll be sure to tell you! Well, maybe.

So let me try this again.

“How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?” *crazy-looking smile*

How was that answer? Did I pass the test? I’ve literally broken out in a sweat here. I’m not trying to be an asshole — I simply want to know if my reply sounds “normal.”

Whew…this is why I write. In person I’m awkward as fuck.