Your (un)Official Weekly Horoscope
Aries
Wipe that innocent, I-dont-know-what-you’re-talking-about look off your face, Aries. Your boss knows you’re the one who keeps messing with the thermostat, despite the dozens of warnings and two formal write-ups. He also knows you’ve been spending too much time on the toilet playing Candy Crush. Who’s the snitch? It’s either Julie in Accounting or Randy in HR. However, don’t dwell on past mistakes. A better job is on the horizon, one with free snacks and a foosball table. Score!
Taurus
A hot air balloon ride is in order this week for a much needed change in perspective. There’s nothing like drifting through the air at 2,000 feet in a wicker basket to clear one’s head!
Can’t afford a hot air balloon ride? No worries! Sit in a rickety, old wicker porch chair, chug a bottle of Jäger, and close your eyes. This works best if you hire a flame-thrower to simulate the propane burner in a real hot air balloon. Overall, the same effect with a slight less risk of death, depending on the skill of the flame-thrower.
Your lucky numbers for this week: -2, -178, .0265, and 5.
Gemini
Your ambivalent nature will be at its peak this week due to the astral force of Saturn’s third ring. In other words, you’ll have trouble making an important decision this week about how to maximize your morning routine. You could read all the self-help articles on Medium, or purchase a Magic Eightball.
I’d trust the Magic Eightball. It’s a ruled by Saturn’s third ring. If you can’t find an Magic Eightball, write the following words on pieces of paper and drop them into a dirty baseball hat: Cannot predict now, Better not tell you now, Reply hazard try again, and Don’t Count on it.
Don’t peek when choosing!
Cancer
Someone will test your patience this week, Cancer. Now is the time to move far away and change your phone number. Actually, if you can afford it, a whole new identity is your best option at this point. I know a guy who knows a guy on Craiglist. His name is Demon-Goat and he only charges fifty bucks which must be wired to a bank account in Nigeria. *
Your lucky numbers: 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons and eleventy billion.
*Astrologer assumes no responsibily or liability for any monies squandered by fools.
Leo
Get your essential oils ready, Leo — you’re going to need them. Sniff as follows:
Frankincense- to cope with the stress of co-worker stabbing you in the back
Lavendar- to fuel creative ways to get back at back-stabbing co-worker
Sandalwood- for physical stamina to carry out vengefulness on co-worker
Myrrh- good for throat health you’ll need for battle-cries while executing vengeful acts
Virgo
All the kale will make you especially gassy this week, Virgo. Avoid bending over in public and forget about yoga class — burts of flatulence that rate 8.1 or higher on the Richter scale will be beyond your sphincter’s control. Even walking is risky. This is a good week to spend on the couch watching The Emoji Movie (if it’s even available on Netflix yet).
Libra
Stop being such assholes, Libras. 98292%?! Look what you made T. Swizzle do! Rolling around in a bathtub full of jewels? Biting them with her mega-white teeth? Crashing cars? Pet cheetahs and snakes? This is a Taylor to be reckoned with. We liked her much better when she was singing about slammin’ screen doors and sneaking out late with her boyfriend.
Sigh. Be more Pisces-ish and start writing your apology letter to Taylor immediately. Until then, no bathtubs full of jewels, teeth, cars, cheetahs, or snakes will be safe from Taylor’s wrath. ***
Post apology letter in the response section below.
Scorpio
Yo’, Scorpio. W’sup, home-boy? Oh, you are waiting for me to tell you what’s poppin’ this week. Hang onto your saggy pants, your week’s gonna be lit like my main scorpion in the pic over there.
You’re going to swallow a button battery that accidentally slipped into your favorite sub at Subway. That’s what you get for ordering the Big Meat Trio instead of a salad.
Sagitarrius
Since Game of Thrones is over until 2026, you’ve been down in the dumps. And there’s nothing else that even comes close on Netflix right now.
To ease your sorrow, I recommend reading the following stories by Gutbloom:
Capricorn
Oh the places you’ll go this week, Capricorn! The Dollar General, the Piggly Wiggly, and the dentist’s office. Pork rinds are on sale at the Piggly Wiggly so don’t forget your store card.
A Wikipedia fact about pork rinds: “In Quebec, they are often called oreilles de Christ (Christ ears) and are eaten almost exclusively as part of traditional cabane à sucre meals.”
Enjoy eating the skin of a pig and the ears of our Lord. All food sins are quickly forgiven with a dozen Hail Marys? I’m an astrologer not a priest, but I do like confession booths. Who doesn’t like telling on themselves in dark, little closets? I’m googling “confession booths near me” right now.
Aquarius
I never got around to writing anything for you last week, Aquarius. My apologies for leaving you to wonder how to handle life without my sage predictions/advice. I trust you avoided jail time on that criminal mischief charge. If I were to every be arrested for anything, please let it be for criminal mischief! It just sounds cool, you know? Mischief carried just one tiny step too far, but not far enough to get in any real trouble. It’s an oxymoron, and that’s what I’d tell any judge if I found myself in front of one for this particular charge. Yes, your honor, I am guilty of mischief! But am I criminal mischief-maker? I humbly ask you consider the ridiculousness of the wording for this “crime.” Knocking down the pyramid of soup cans at the Piggly Wiggly was mischievous, but I quickly apologized to the assistant manager after he showed me the survelliance video.
Pisces
Pisces, you’re creative enough to make up your own horoscope.
Give it your best shot in the response section below. And I’m a Pisces, so I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me this week.
Make it good, damnit.
***A special thanks to my 12 year old daughter (and fake astrologer in training) for co-writing this week’s horoscopes. V, you’re awesome!
