Your (un)Official Weekly Horoscope
Aug 26- Sept 2
Aries

You, someone who is very close to you, or someone you have only read about online will reveal they’re expecting a baby. This baby will be named Remi, Winter, Finn, or Bowie. With your mad peripheral vision skills, you saw this pregnancy coming months ago. Unless it’s your own kid, try to stay focused on job. Your co-workers have been complaining to your boss about the musky odor of the North Face fleece jacket you wear every damn day. Wash that thing, will ya? It REEKS. Your significant other thinks so, too. If you have no significant other, this is why.
Taurus

Oh, Taurus — this is not going to be a good week for you! That “line in the sand” you drew last week is going to come back to bite you in the ass…and hard. Try laying down your horns for once and compromising. And your love life predictions are dire unless you get a good teeth-cleaning and a tongue scraper. I recommend this one. You have Amazon Prime, right?
Gemini

Your incessant desire to always be in the spotlight is making all your FB/Insta friends jealous and resentful. Get your camera out of selfie mode and take some pics of unspectacular sunsets or cute puppies. If you must take a selfie, take one with homeless person to appear more charitable.
Still, your effervescent personality attracts many admirers. You should avoid making any major relationship changes intil 1:23pm on Wednesday, or maybe Thursday. The eclipse has temporarily disabled your keen sense of intuition.
Cancer

It sucks being the crab and that your astrological sign’s name is synonymous with a deadly disease. I’m sorry. When everyone is all like, “Fuck, cancer!” it must be hard. But, take heart, Crabby! This is going to be super awesome week for you. Keep those beady, little eyes open wide.
Leo
You are going to receive a letter in the mail this week. More specifically, a mailer from a furniture store advertising mattresses you want but can’t afford. Throw it away immediately. But don’t be too disappointed — despite all those articles that say that cute Starbucks barista is just being nice, he/she really wants you. In fact, everytime they see you, they fantasize about a quickie in the bathroom. Be the bold lion, and ask him/her out on a date. When they say “yes,” roar loudly.
Virgo

Virgo, you’re as scary as the blue-eyed dragon on GOT this week! I know you don’t like chaos so the whole “chaos is a ladder” thing must be making you unsettled. You’d feel better if you wrote those “‘Thank You” notes you’ve been putting off. If you can’t think of anything original to say, it’s perfectly okay to send the generic, store-bought cards. This is not the week to get all Pinteresty, and drive yourself nuts trying to make paper from scratch. As for your love life, virgins are hot right now so be incredibly picky. You are going to meet your soulmate on Friday at 4:23am in the produce section as you both reach for same bruised, organic apple. I don’t know which store, but it’s at least 1,000 kilometers from where you live.
Libra
An unhappy visitor, probably a woman, could come to your home today, Libra. This person has a lot of anger right now and probably won’t make much of a conversationalist. If you can’t make your excuses, put on some music or perhaps a funny movie. You might be surprised at the results! Some soothing chords or a few laughs might accomplish wonders. Be clever!*
*Actual horoscope from Horoscope.com. It’s funnier than anything I could come up with. And I’m fairly certain my computer has a virus now. Thanks. Be clever, and don’t click on that link.
Scorpio

First, thanks, Scorpion, for scaring these people and making them run away. It cracks me up. Your “give no fucks” attitude this week will serve you well. And when your phone rings on Tuesday at 1:08pm, answer it. It’ll be me asking for more pictures of you scaring people.
Sagitarrius

Excuse the boring image, but exciting things are in store for the Sagitarrius this week! A friend is going to invite you to go bowling. Remember to wear socks to bowling alley or they won’t let you rent shoes. When they spray the disinfectant into your rented shoes, try not to think about the foot fungus germs that are now wet and mad and seeping into your socks. Pitchers of beer will help your hypochondria and your game. Cheers!
