I promise you, I’m not just dating your very attractive father for his futuristic smart home.

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Photo from Pexels

Meet Cute

It is the year 1999, and I run into the very handsome widower Nick at our local coffee shop. Almost by fate, we order a tall caramel macchiato with skim milk at the exact same time. We shyly smile at each other, chat a bit, and then he gives me his number. This entirely spontaneous moment was destined and no way planned with the knowledge from the local newspaper that his 10-year-old son Ben won the coolest crib in town, and now Nick, Ben, and his sister Angie live in a futuristic smart house.

First Date

Nick takes me to a wonderful Italian restaurant for our first date. He asks me all of the right questions about my family, my career, and my hopes and dreams. I ask him about his passions, his interests, and how amazing it must be living in a home with a virtual assistant who just wants to understand the owners better so it can make their lives as comfortable as possible. …


To My Chronically Late Friends,

As your “I’m going to be a bit late” text chimes in, I have already been sitting comfortably in this bar for five minutes. Yet, when your message passes across my phone screen, I freeze. It will probably be ten minutes until you arrive, but it will feel like a life sentence of suffering the cruelest form of social torture.

Don’t get me wrong, going to a bar, or a movie, or an Arby’s alone is an acceptable, and fun way to spend time. Yet, when I’m waiting for the arrival of a friend, being alone is an uttermost display of personal vulnerability; I’m popping my head out, looking to the door every ten seconds like a hyperactive meerkat. …


He was just a boat buddy to fool around with.

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NBD

Hi, it’s me, Rose, survivor of the Titanic, and woman who can still work a white nightgown at one hundred years old. I’m sick and tired of hearing about everyone mistaking the relationship I had with Jack Dawson as an “epic love story,” when in reality, it was just four days of good old fashioned fun on a boat.

It is has been utterly absurd watching couples imitate us throughout the years, from trying to recreate our pose on the front of cruise ships, to quoting “I’ll never let go” as if it ever had any romantic connotation. When a relationship is surrounded by tragedy, it does not make it any more romantic! …


Recently, I was lucky enough to spend a few days in idyllic Amsterdam. The narrow houses, late sunsets, and elaborate canals make this a magical city to visit. Eager to try the local cuisine, I waltzed around the Albert Cuyp Market like a millennial Belle.

There, I stumbled upon the best stroopwafels in all of Amsterdam. For those who don’t know, a stroopwafel is a Dutch dessert consisting of a caramel layer sandwiched between two thin waffles. Although messy, it was a lovely warm and gooey treat, made even more delightful by it being freshly made by a man who could double as a Disney prince. …


Finally, the Rock Has Come Back…To My Bedroom

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this is the face he makes every time i accidentally drool and he pretends not to notice

Sexy Gym Fantasy

I’m powerlifting, and Dwayne Johnson is finishing a set of hip thrusts on the bench next to mine. Distracted, I drop my weight in the midst of a power clean. He sees this and comes over to check on me. “I didn’t want to use my back during that rep. Nothing annoys me more than bad form”, I tell him. “I find it sexy when people lift with not only the right amount of weight, but with the correct technique,” he says as he gives me the people’s eyebrow. I accidentally drool. He pretends not to notice.

Sexy Workplace Fantasy

I’m an occupational therapist working with my patient who is an amputee. Mr. Dwayne Johnson strolls into the gym. “Can I observe your session? I’ll be portraying a man who’s had an amputation in my next film. I like to take the time to research a role, especially when I have the responsibility of depicting someone with a disability,” he asks my patient and I. My patient agrees, while I try to articulate a perfect response. All I can say is “YES, MISTER ROCK.” …


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Denial

There is NO way I’m just an arbitrary plot device written by a forty-something-year-old male writer fulfilling his middle school fantasy through the latest CW drama! I’m fresh out of college with an English degree, and I’m nailing the seventeen-year-old hottie in my third-period class. But that doesn’t make me an unimaginative, two-dimensional character! I wear these thick-rimmed glasses to make me appear slightly older than Chad’s peers, but I still look young enough to be making out with a high school junior…right?

Guilt

How could this happen to me? Why does my whole world revolve around being the lover of a second string varsity linebacker? It plagues me that I need this jock who is kind but misunderstood to fill the empty void in my life. I know it’s so wrong, but it feels so right to be crossing so many ethical and legal boundaries on a daily basis. Out of all the men I could date, I can’t believe I fell for the chiseled boy who needed way too much help understanding the plot of Animal Farm.


A last minute plea to kill off the most feeble character on television.

(Spoiler Warning!)

I’m sad and bittersweet the last episode of Scandal will be airing tonight. I have been a fan of the Shondaland classic since day one. Nothing gets me more pumped about a television show than politics intertwined with juicy drama full of affairs, murder, and collusion.

What I truly love about this show is that I actually like most of the characters. The characters have depth and are multi-dimensional. It’s been wonderful and extremely refreshing to see female characters be strong and bad ass, but also have flaws. …


Experiences From The Life Coach Who Completely Understands The “Me Too” Movement

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Tip 1: Look VERY IMPORTANT by having a mic attached to your face.

About
Tony Robbins is an author of six international bestselling books, is a founder of more than thirty companies, and is the upper-class figurehead who completely understands the ideology and purpose behind the “Me Too” movement.

Here at the Robbins Research Inc., we provide you with the learning opportunities to apply what a six-foot-seven out-of-touch white millionaire knows to your life. We want to help create change in the most significant areas of your life: your finances, your relationships, your career…everything except societal male privilege.

We hope you take advantage of our live seminars focusing on our convoluted views of the international women’s movement, and we look forward to seeing you at a live event in the near future.

About

Kristin Nalivaika

Kristin is a very tall comedy writer based out of New York City. You can read more of her writing on her website, thenalivaika.com

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