Fitzgerald Grant the III Needs to Die

A last minute plea to kill off the most feeble character on television.

Kristin Nalivaika
Apr 19, 2018 · 4 min read

(Spoiler Warning!)

I’m sad and bittersweet the last episode of Scandal will be airing tonight. I have been a fan of the Shondaland classic since day one. Nothing gets me more pumped about a television show than politics intertwined with juicy drama full of affairs, murder, and collusion.

What I truly love about this show is that I actually like most of the characters. The characters have depth and are multi-dimensional. It’s been wonderful and extremely refreshing to see female characters be strong and bad ass, but also have flaws. It’s amazing what having a female show runner, even more so, a female show runner of color, can do to make a show flourish.

Even the villains on this show are developed. Despite being evil and arguably psychopathic, the viewer can empathize to some degree with Rowan, Mama Pope, Cyrus, and the incredibly good looking but troubled Jake. Yes, Jake has been problematic lately, but he’s suffered some real trauma that he needs to sort out.

I’ll stand in the sun with you after you’ve had therapy for a solid year.

I do not think I have despised a television character more than Fitzgerald Grant the III. Like most of the other characters on the show, the mediocre, over-privileged Grant has committed a slew of horrible deeds. Unlike the other characters on the show, he seems to demonstrate a lack of remorse, and lack of ownership to these crimes. If anything, he tries to make the others around him feel more guilty for the awful things that he has done.

“I’M INSUFFERABLE!”

Here’s a brief list of the misdeeds this asshat has somehow gotten away with: shooting down a plane of civilians, rigging an election, cheating like it’s his job, starting a war for his girlfriend, emotionally abusing both his wife and his mistress, murdering a Supreme Court justice, and more!

The only truly good thing he did ever in his life was marry Mellie, the true hero of this show, and the president we all wish we had.

Nothing but respect for my president.

Fitz deserves to die in tonight’s finale. We have suffered seven long seasons of seeing this unremarkable president get away with everything by flashing his sad puppy dog eyes, and his death should be as pathetic as he is.

Here are some ways I’d like to see Fitz deservingly meet his maker:

  • Fitz walks into a Gettysburger. Feeling feisty, he decides to order onion rings. He chokes on an onion ring. No one around him knows CPR.
  • Fitz decides to propose to Olivia at the most fancy restaurant in D.C. Finally, the two are out in public together as a couple! Of course, Fitz has the waiter put the ring in Olivia’s cake. Unfortunately the waiter mixes up the cake pieces, and Fitz chokes on the engagement ring.
  • Fitz apologizes to Mellie, and suggests they get back together. He chokes up, chokes on his own slobber, and then dies.
  • Fitz confesses to the DOJ ...the collusion, the murders…everything. He is arrested and is tried for his crimes. Fitz magically gets out of the death penalty, and spends the rest of his life in a maximum security prison. We flash forward to the year 2040. An older Fitz finally meets his and Olivia’s daughter, Maya. Maya is seeking vengeance, because if Fitz kept his mouth shut, she wouldn’t be in the foster care system. At visitation, Maya goes to poison Fitz. Before she does so, he collapses after choking on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
  • Fitz and Olivia decide to take the plunge and move to Vermont. When snacking on some pretzels sticks, he goes out to get the mail. While flipping through the latest GQ, he is mauled by a bear.

Kristin Nalivaika

Written by

Kristin is a very tall comedy writer based out of New York City. You can read more of her writing on her website, thenalivaika.com

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