The Stages Of Accepting You’re An English Teacher Having A Relationship With A Student In A Hit Teen Drama

Kristin Nalivaika
Apr 23, 2018 · 3 min read

Denial

There is NO way I’m just an arbitrary plot device written by a forty-something-year-old male writer fulfilling his middle school fantasy through the latest CW drama! I’m fresh out of college with an English degree, and I’m nailing the seventeen-year-old hottie in my third-period class. But that doesn’t make me an unimaginative, two-dimensional character! I wear these thick-rimmed glasses to make me appear slightly older than Chad’s peers, but I still look young enough to be making out with a high school junior…right?

Guilt

How could this happen to me? Why does my whole world revolve around being the lover of a second string varsity linebacker? It plagues me that I need this jock who is kind but misunderstood to fill the empty void in my life. I know it’s so wrong, but it feels so right to be crossing so many ethical and legal boundaries on a daily basis. Out of all the men I could date, I can’t believe I fell for the chiseled boy who needed way too much help understanding the plot of Animal Farm.

Bargaining

Oh, Chad! If I were a man and you were a girl, then I would never have to face the crisis of being in love with you! A male teacher-female student relationship would be way too controversial, and there would be no way the writers who created us would allow it. But I am a woman, and that makes our relationship “super fucking cool” per your best friend Jeff, the only person that knows our secret. I can only reflect on what I could have done differently. If only I didn’t open up to you that one time after discussing symbolism in Steinbeck, then we would’ve never made out in the back of your dad’s Honda Civic.

Reflection

Who was I before Chad entered my life? What happened to my hopes and dreams? Wow, I don’t know what my hopes and dreams are, as they have been blandly painted through the two lines I’ve been able to say to Chad.

At least I have such great family and friends to support me. But of course, they all live back in Wichita as I moved to this town on a whim with no connections whatsoever. What’s the point of going back to being a normal twenty-three-year-old woman now? I’ll be in love with this post-pubescent forever.

Acceptance

I am just a meaningless part of a subplot and the only thing I can do is smile and accept my fate. I’ll end up eventually skipping town or unexpectedly be strangled to death. Whatever happens, I’m happy my sweet, sweet Chad will never experience any psychological damage from this ordeal, despite being taken advantage of by an adult he trusted.

I guess the bright side of this is I will never be labeled as a sex offender, even though by definition I am a sex offender, and they will never call the police on me. If a writer’s room is cool with writing outdated fucked up tropes on tv, they would never write about the real-life consequences of an adult woman sleeping with a teenage boy.

Welp, I guess I’ve got to pack up and move back to Wichita. I’ve got to go wreak havoc on my ex-boyfriend and his wife for a three-episode arc.

Kristin Nalivaika

Written by

Kristin is a very tall comedy writer based out of New York City. You can read more of her writing on her website, thenalivaika.com

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