“My hope is, that in sharing my story, you’ll be able to point that one person you know or might meet in my position toward the Straight Spouse Network, and that you won’t make shitty jokes and take their plight any less seriously than you would if they were the ones that came out gay or lesbian and needed the support.”
Amen Dustin. For many of us, there is no “When my Wife (Husband) Told” me. In these situations, the whole discard mode becomes fraught with deceit, gaslighting and psychological abuse leaving last effects, and incredible loss. When the gay spouse is in a coming out crisis, the whole family is in a confused crisis.
In my 19th year of marriage to a man I would have taken a bullet for, I realized the impulsive, increasingly manipulative and suddenly violent behavior was a result of his agonizing anguish and personality bending deep shame. I our twelfth year of marriage he confessed that he had been sexually abused regularly as I child. I hung in there for another seven and gave everything I had to helping him heal. He lied about his sexuality, and only when I finally woke up, did I realize the entire relationship was a lie. He wanted kids. He wanted a beautiful wife and a fantasy family so he wouldn’t have to feel the shame.
His shame destroyed our family, our network, our friends, our future, our dreams, our mental and physical well being.
So I say to the morons, Seriously? Go sit in a closet for an hour, look in a mirror, and ask yourself what are you repressing? These familial tragedies are becoming an epidemic and we, the collateral damage, erased, despite our having endured overwhelming loss. NO ONE stops by with a casserole, no more invites to the couples gang parties arrive in the inbox. Sickeningly shallow jokes and juicy gossip are endured. NOTHING is more heartless than the comment I received repeatedly: “You must have known”. Without the Straight Spouse Network in the early days, I might have given up. I’m sure my neighbors were happy when I stopped screaming into the night sky, “Where is MY F’ing PARADE????
Thank you Dustin, for sharing your own wrenching feelings of loss. I too wholeheartedly support the LGBT community, have forgiven and am moving on, with new friends, new plans, and PTSD. I’m one of the fortunate ones. Many don’t make it through such mind altering trauma. It’s time for the morons to take responsibility for the ripple effect of the abuse that begins with intolerance. Hmm. I think that’s good title for the article I will write!
Thanks for the inspiration Dustin. Planning a trip to Thailand myself in the future!