Attraction and Its Discontents

For some reason, I’m not the kind of woman men ogle on the streets. Rarely do men come on to me, and when they do, a simple ‘no’ is usually sufficient to turn their energy away. It’s only been in the last couple of weeks reading different stories on Medium (for example, here and here) that I’ve realized that many women have had a much different experience. So many women and girls have been stared at and come on to so much that it has become a wound for them, so that any unwelcome flirtation feels like sexual harassment.

I wonder what the difference is. I’m reasonably attractive. Granted, I’m probably more attractive when I wake up naked in bed than when I’m out on the streets. Once I put my glasses and practical farm work clothes on, any beauty I have is significantly hidden. My theory is that men are drawn to the equivalent of a red baboon butt — someone with average genetics who wears make-up and sexy clothes will draw more attention than someone with great genetics who is dressed plainly, in my experience. Perhaps this is because their presentation is better, and the men are fooled; perhaps the make-up and sexy clothes are markers that indicate that that person desires to be found attractive by men; maybe one of the qualities the men are looking for is a person who has the skill and desire to present themselves well. I know that a lot of women enjoy the creativity and fun of dressing up and looking good, so it would be a shame for them to have to give that up just to cut down on the ogling and come-ons to which they are subjected.

When I dress sexy, though, I still don’t have much of a problem. It makes me wonder what’s different about me than these other women. One possibility is that I’m just clueless, that I am being ogled and I just don’t notice, so it doesn’t bother me. When I’m not wearing my glasses, for example at the beach or hot springs, I can’t see anyone’s face, so it’s possible that leers are sliding off of me like water off a duck’s back.

Sometimes I wonder if the difference is my confidence and size. I’m about average size for a guy, so if there is a certain subset of male that needs to feel dominant to come on to someone, fewer men in that subset would desire to come on to me. When a guy does come on to me, I find it very easy to be friendly in a way that keeps them at arm’s length if I’m not interested. I remember going out dancing with a couple of friends, and one of them got cornered by a guy. To me, her body language was a little muddy — I couldn’t tell whether she felt trapped and wanted to escape, or whether she was enjoying dancing with him. I was tempted to go rescue her, but I also thought she was a grown woman, so if she was still dancing with that guy, it was because she wanted to, and my interference would be unwelcome.

I see women who look uncomfortable talking or dancing with men, and yet they stay engaged in the conversation or dance, apparently because they don’t know how to get away. I hope that eventually most women learn to extricate themselves gracefully, but perhaps some never do, and their desire to be polite leads them into prolonging situations they would rather not be in. For whatever reason, I learned fairly early on how to maintain my boundaries without resorting to the bitchiness so many women turn to when wishy-washy politeness fails.

When I see women feel victimized by how men express their attraction to them, I wonder what they could do to change their experience. I seem to have lucked out and stumbled upon something that works for me. Sometimes I wish more men found me attractive, but overall I’m grateful I don’t feel harassed on a daily basis. Maybe what works for me would work for other women — don’t notice the stares, and reject unwanted advances with firm friendliness. Those tactics might only work for me, though, because of my particular physical appearance. In any case, I encourage women to do whatever they need to do to take control, because although more and more men in the U.S. are being enculturated to be careful only to ogle or flirt with women who desire it, many are still clueless or don’t care, and will continue to express their sexual desire in different ways.

One aspect of the situation that makes it more confusing is that some women enjoy male attention and dress in order to attract it. On the surface, they look just the same as women who are dressing up for their own pleasure and creativity who don’t desire male attention. I feel some compassion for the guys who aren’t very good at reading body language and have no idea whether they’re approaching someone who is open to them or not. Cultural norms vary so much as well, there’s bound to be some crossed signals. A topless woman at a beach in Sweden will probably be treated differently than a topless woman at a beach in South Carolina.

The best overall answer I can see is for people to hone their people skills, to learn to read body language, to be sensitive and compassionate to where other people are coming from, and to use their words to express their truth when other subtle signals have failed. Hopefully people can learn to interact in a way where no one has to feel harassed or shut down, and nobody gets demonized for expressing sexual attraction because they’ve learned how to do so appropriately.