The Lion and the Antelope
An investigation of enmity
When I was a kid, sometimes I watched nature shows on TV. Usually, when a predator was attacking an animal, I would root for the animal to escape the jaws of death. If the predator killed the animal, I would feel sad. Then I saw a show that was following the life of lions. I saw how hungry the mother and cubs were. When the mom left to go hunting, I knew she hadn’t eaten for a long time. When she started chasing an antelope, I found myself rooting for the the lion. If she killed the antelope, it meant food for her and her babies; if it escaped, the survival of her family would be in question. I found that whatever nature show I watched, if the cameras were following the life of the predators, I wanted them to kill the prey; if we were following the life of the prey, I wanted them to escape.
On an individual level, the antelope and the lion are enemies. For the antelope to survive, the lion has to die; for the lion to survive, the antelope has to die. After the hunt, there will be a clear winner and a clear loser. Neither animal is inherently good or evil; as opposed to movies or TV shows, where we often have “good guys” and “bad guys”, and a happy ending is when the good guys win, in the case of the antelope and the lion, whoever wins and whoever loses, a good guy is winning and a good guy is losing. Someone gets a happy ending, and someone gets a sad ending, and neither animal “deserves” the sad ending. I will root for whichever animal I empathize with more in the moment, while I recognize that there is nothing inherently better about that side.
The antelope and the lion have this in common: they both want to have babies. They both want their babies to survive. They want to survive themselves. Even though they are on opposite sides of the equation, their goals and desires are the same.
Sometimes I find myself in this position, where another person and I both want the same thing — for example respect, love, or lack of pain — and yet for me to get it means that they can’t, and vice-versa. In these cases, I occasionally have been accused of being the bad guy, or of hating the other person. I do my best to explain that just because I am unwilling to put the other person’s good before my own doesn’t mean I hate the other person. I like to believe that everyone has a right to self-advocacy, that the lion has as much right to live as the antelope, and vice-versa. It’s ok for me to put my own good first. For example, if I am competing with another person for the same job, it’s ok to do my best to get that job. It doesn’t mean I’m the bad guy, and it doesn’t mean I hate the other person. I don’t begrudge them doing the best to get the job, either. I understand that even though we are temporarily “enemies”, in that one of us getting what we want means the other one will be denied what they want, we are also fundamentally alike, in that we are each pursuing our own happiness as best we can. I root for myself, while empathizing with the other side.
With the lion and the antelope, even though the individuals are enemies when the hunt is on, as a species they are allies. The antelope are a source of food for the lion, while the lion helps keep the antelope herd healthier by culling the sick and the weak, as well as preventing food shortages that could be caused by unchecked antelope population growth. I like to think that the people in my life who play the role of “enemy” also help me as much as they harm me. The person who triggers my childhood trauma may be frustrated and think of me as a bad person because I am unwilling and unable to be in the same room as them; I see how the situation gives me the opportunity to investigate and release any trauma. I see how the situation is helping me; it’s up to the other person to figure out how they are benefitting.
I don’t really think of people as enemies, yet I have come to realize that in certain situations, I have to choose to advocate for myself, even if it means disappointing someone else. Enmity is “the state or feeling of being actively opposed or hostile to someone or something”. I do my best not to feel hostile, even as I recognize I am in a state of opposition with someone. Even more accurately, I do my best to recognize whatever anger or hostility comes up in myself as something to contain, process, and let go of rather than something to point at the other person. Sometimes the disappointed person becomes angry with me, or shuts me out, or starts a smear campaign. Even then, I don’t hate them. I may stop giving them access to me as long as they are not supportive of me advocating for myself, especially if I perceive them as lashing out with hostility; I still see, though, that they are opposing me because they are doing the best to get their needs met. I may not feel safe around them, and revoke their Kris privileges, yet I don’t hate them. I understand that they are doing what they need to do to advocate for themselves, just as I am doing what I need to advocate for myself. Sometimes life puts people in the role of enemies, and I do my best not to take it personally; at heart, we’re the same, even when we find ourselves on opposite sides of an issue.
