Using Conscious English to Avoid Condescending Behavior
I find it annoying when someone tries to tell me what to do when they are not my boss, coach, or teacher.
In theory, I can just do what I want no matter what they tell me, so all I’ve lost by listening to them speak is a little bit of my time. I suppose I’ve also spent some attention on them, and attention is energy, so I’ve lost some energy as well as some time.
Truthfully, though, my annoyance goes beyond the lost time and energy. After careful consideration, I’ve pinpointed what annoys me — certain statements either ignore my values or assume my ignorance.
How people say it matters. Living on raw land, I have had a lot of people share their perspectives on what they would do if they had my plot. People who say something like, “You know, water pumps are cheap, you should buy one for $100 and then you could get running water,” are more annoying to me than people who say, “If it were my land, I’d buy one of those cheap $100 pumps and plumb the place.”
The first example tells me no new information. I’ve known for over a decade that I can buy a cheap water pump for $100; it’s not ignorance about the price of pumps that keeps me from choosing to have running water. I have some other reason besides ignorance for the choice I’ve made. ‘Should’ing on me is either paying no attention to those other reasons, or assuming I’m ignorant when I’m not.
The second example at least tells me some new information. It tells me something about the values of the person to whom I’m talking. It feels more like a real conversation, because it’s sharing something I don’t already know. If I’m curious about the other person’s values, I can ask questions about why they would make that choice. If I’m not that interested in how they would develop raw land, we can move on to another topic.
In both these examples, the speaker is telling me something; for me, it would be more engaging to be asked something instead, like “Do you plan to have running water someday?” or “What’s your plan for running water?” When somebody ‘should’s on me, or tells me what they would do if they were me, it’s a bit of a conversation stopper. I find myself disinterested in explaining what my values are to somebody just because they volunteered theirs to me. Because they are telling me something about themselves without asking anything about me, they have made it clear they find their opinion more interesting than mine; why would I share my opinion with people who don’t value it?
I Googled ‘mansplaining’ the other day, curious if it could apply to a recent situation I’ve been in. I discovered that mansplaining is a gender-specific example of when people speak in a condescending or patronizing way, particularly to someone who knows more on the subject than the speaker does. I find condescension annoying whether it comes from a man or a woman. Perhaps this is the crux of my exasperation — I consider myself the absolute expert on how to live my life. If someone speaks to me in a way that suggests that they think they know how to live my life better than I do, I absolutely reject their premise. The content of what they say does not matter if how they say it does not take into account my ultimate superiority in making my own choices to live my own life. If they are not taking my values into account, or if they are assuming I am ignorant, I will get irritated. (It may well be the case that I am unfamiliar with what they want to share, since I am ignorant about so many things; I prefer people to ascertain what I know before they tell me about a certain topic, though, rather than just to assume my lack of knowledge and to tell without asking.)
Most of the time, all I feel when someone shares their unsolicited advice on living my life is a quick flash of irritation. After all, if they had re-worded their unsolicited advice from being “You should…” to “If it were me…” or “Did you know…” I wouldn’t be so annoyed. Usually I mentally rearrange the words in my mind to pretend they just shared information with me as if they were respecting my personal autonomy, because I know many people are unaware of the nuances of language and I give them the benefit of the doubt.
Sometimes, if the same person offers unsolicited advice over and over, it becomes a pattern that I find harder to discount. Those brief flashes of annoyance happen more often, and they start to build into an ongoing resentment. It doesn’t matter how good their intentions for “helping” me are if they are being unconscious in their communication, speaking in a way that assumes my ignorance or disregards my values on an ongoing basis. I realize that this is a personal preference; not everyone would feel so exasperated as I do at a person who doesn’t acknowledge my values, intelligence, and experience. For whatever reason, I prefer to interact with people who treat me with what I consider respect — they don’t have to admire me, yet they do have to show due regard for my self-determination, in order for me to feel respected.
I do my best to be mindful of other people’s autonomy. If they are making different choices with their lives than I would make, I’m sure they have a good reason for it. I believe it’s mostly because their values are different than mine. Every once in awhile it may be because they are ignorant of something which, if they knew it, would lead them to make a difference choice. If I am curious about someone’s life choice, maybe even concerned that they would want to make a different choice if they had all the facts, I can use questions to find out what’s going on with them. Some questions can speak to values — “Why did you choose to do it this way?” while others can speak to ignorance — “Did you hear about the new product that just came out?” I do my best to engage in a dialogue that shows respect for the other, because I know that’s what I would want. If people show with their word choice that they are heedful of my values and my right to self-determination, as well as not assuming I’m ignorant, I’m much more open to their ideas and suggestions.
