All The Changes We Can’t Control: Life With Cancer
I debated publishing this post because it gets a bit personal in nature. But my whole reason for writing is to offer a transparent view of life as I know it now: the good, the bad and the unbearably sad. That’s the truth of living with cancer. I couldn’t help but think, “what would Melissa Chessher do?” She’s my favorite professor at my alma mater, Syracuse University’s Newhouse School, and hands down one of the bravest writers I know. This blog post takes me out of my comfort zone, but I hope someone will find light and comfort from the stories I share in this space.
Changes
When you have cancer, all the little things that used to seem important fade away. One of the first casualties to chemotherapy was my hair. I noticed my braids becoming thin and shedding, so one night my mom and I decided to do a big chop. My mom (my angel on earth who’s been with me every day) took out a small pair of scissors and cut off all my hair into a neat pile on the hospital bed. She cleansed my scalp and applied moisturizer.
I didn’t know how losing my hair would feel emotionally, but I hardly felt anything. I wear a headscarf every day and still haven’t looked at the finished product in a mirror. Looking at the dead pile of kinky coils just reminded me of a time a few years prior when I suddenly decided to stop relaxing my hair and cut it all off to start over with natural hair. Then and now I’ve told myself it will grow back stronger and longer one day. My life is more important than a hairstyle (but I do kind of miss having eyebrows.)
When I look in the mirror, I’m 15 pounds lighter than I was just a few weeks ago when I started chemo. But the weight I’ve so obsessed over in the past hardly matters. I just want to be healthy. My nutritionist gave me the green light to eat Reeces peanut butter cups and M&Ms in an effort to take in some extra calories, but I often have trouble tolerating sweet foods. I hate Ensure, but I‘ll force it down to try to make up for my new lower appetite. I’ve never eaten so much toast for breakfast and chicken noodle soup for lunch/dinner in my life, but I’m grateful to have those as safe foods that satisfy my hunger when I can’t bear to eat anything else.
Serious side effects
One of the more significant side effects to chemo is fertility loss. When I signed off on receiving treatment, I acknowledged that I might never be able to have children naturally. The doctors gave me the option to try to freeze my eggs before starting, but I opted against it. That would have delayed things, and my first priority became preserving my life and restoring my health as soon as possible. I decided to put my faith in God and believe that, if I did my part to get well now, all my wants and needs would eventually be fulfilled somehow.
I wouldn’t wish this diagnosis on anyone. Every day brings a new challenge, but it also has become much easier to face whatever changes come my way. I’m becoming stronger not only emotionally but physically. I’ve been working with a physical therapist and recently took my first steps on crutches.
This weekend I happened to catch a St. Jude’s infomercial with my grandmother, who has also been battling her own cancer for some time now. It’s rare to see someone who has the same type of cancer as me, but I watched a young girl with osteosarcoma talk about how she had been cured and could walk again, no amputation needed. Signs like these fill my heart with hope. There’s nothing more I can do but have faith I’ll have the same outcome one day. And I’m confident I will.
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