Disjointed, Messy, & Loud
An Installation on OCD and Combatting its Stereotypes
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is a potentially life-long disorder characterized by unwanted, recurring thoughts and behaviors. It affects 2.3% of American adults. Many times, it can go undetected because of the stereotypes surrounding the disorder. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder manifests in many different ways in different people. It is not just about being clean, neat, organized, etc. These stereotypes can prevent people from recognizing their symptoms and seeking help.
My hope with this installation was that those stereotypes would be combatted, people with OCD would be reminded that they are not alone, and people who believe they may have OCD would be able to better recognize their symptoms. Obsessive thoughts often start with one single thought and quickly, without warning, they take over your entire mental space. I asked the audience that as they walked through my installation, to search for the survey responses from other people with OCD written on the leaves of the ivy, and to use that time as a moment for reflection. Through the wall of ivy, the audience encountered a large piece made of many layers of vinyl. My own OCD manifests in compulsions that are purely mental; I spend a lot of time chanting. I asked the audience to pick at the vinyl once they were ready.
OCD is not a perfectly organized space, physically or mentally. Often, it is disjointed, messy, and loud.
A Background Story
I will never forget sharing my experience with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder with a friend my freshman year of undergrad, who then a few weeks later told me that I couldn’t possibly have OCD because my side of the dorm room was “too cluttered.” The person made it feel like a joke. I was denied validity because I didn’t meet the stereotypical standards of OCD. This sat with me for years — I spent much of that time experiencing imposter syndrome anytime I talked about my OCD and refusing to help myself.
Over the past year, I’ve made it a point to be more open about it, hoping that being more open would help me accept this reality and also help others to feel more comfortable talking about it. Sometimes, I’ve chickened out and not said anything (to be honest, I’m debating chickening out as a I write this. I hope I don’t). Sometimes, it’s worked and I’ve been able to connect with people that I had not known much about before. It’s helped me so much to speak about this, and I’ve actually experienced the longest amount of time (4 months, and hopefully counting) in 7 years without the overwhelming and debilitating obsessions or compulsions. Is it wrong to say that I feel clean?
While experiencing one of my obsession-compulsion cycles, I created the first iteration of YCRTP. I used this as a basis for the installation that I hoped would open more eyes to the reality of living with OCD.
Phase 0
In my attempt to be more open, I included YCRTP in an assignment called Catalogue of Influences for my MFA-GD Studio 1 class in Spring 2019. It was after people in class told me that they thought the piece was good, that I realized that I wanted to be able to show people what it looks like inside the head of someone with OCD. I decided to approach Christopher Field, a professor in Boston University’s graduate graphic design program, about doing a directed study where I put this piece on the wall in many layers of vinyl. I spent a lot of this summer thinking about this installation and what else could be added to it to make a more complete experience for the audience.
I had written in my Catalogue of Influences that obsessive thoughts feel a lot like ivy. It starts with one single thought (I can even tell you the exact day and time of both of my thoughts that started years-long debilitating obsessions). The same way that ivy starts out with one strand and suddenly takes over a building, obsessive thoughts explode and suddenly take over your entire mental space. I realized that I wanted to make, what I was calling at the time, an ivy curtain that would hide the vinyl piece.
Phase 1
At the beginning of September, I began the months-long process of building what I was seeing in my head. This included many pen tests, vinyl tests, troubleshooting, and weekly meetings with Christopher. I sent out a survey through Instagram, Facebook, and Reddit to ask for anonymous submissions from people with OCD. I wanted to show my audience that OCD manifests in so many different ways. I knew I wanted the answers to be placed throughout the ivy, allowing a moment of discovery and reflection for the audience. I determined that writing directly on the leaves would best deliver the message I wanted to convey and also look the best.
Phase 2
I went through many possibilities for hanging the ivy. The vinyl pieces were easy (theoretically), but it was creating the wall of ivy that was posing a problem. Ideas included hanging from the ceiling (not possible), building a freestanding wall from 2x4s (would be too distracting), or a suspended frame from garden stakes. The frame ended up making the most sense. After spending hours at Home Depot with a friend, I created a frame from wooden dowels and plastic pipe connectors. I decided (at the time) to stretch bird netting over the top to hang the individual pieces of fake ivy from. The frame would rest on top of two wooden brackets (which I also made and painted in the CFA woodshop with the help of Suzanne Hemmat). Unfortunately, the bird netting wasn’t strong enough, so I ended up stretching wire and making myself a grid from it on the top of the frame. I spray painted the whole frame (wood, plastic, and wire) black and attached ~300 pieces of floral wire to the wire grid I had created.
Phase 3
I began to weave the ivy over the top of the frame. I wanted a dense roof on top to really make the viewer feel like they had stepped inside this environment I was creating. I finished up the roof, while using that whole week before install to cut and weed over 100ft of vinyl. I was lucky to have so many friends who helped weed and write on the ivy.
Phase 4
My friend, Nate Sherman, came to help me install. What I thought was going to be a one-person, maybe day-and-a-half process, turned out to be a two-person, two-full-days process. Installing the vinyl took ~9 hours. It turned out the walls in the CFA building were dusty and the vinyl didn’t stick well. I had to modify the design a little bit (there weren’t as many layers as I originally intended), but it came out just as impactful as I wanted. We attached the frame of ivy to the brackets, and began to hang the ivy (both plain and written on) to the pieces of wire I had already hung from the frame.
Phase 5
The installation was up for 1 week. I had a small opening on Monday night, and periodically checked to see if anyone had pulled anymore vinyl down. Nate and I went back on Saturday to de-install, and thus, the thing that had once been just a vision in my head was done.
