Last night, I dreamt about you
In between the good nights and good mornings, stuck in our little pauses of uncertainty but for sure. Last night, I dreamt about you. I dreamt of the simplest thing. I feel so close to you yet so far away and I don’t know what to do with myself. My cheeks burn and the tears tinged my eyes. So I’m just going to dump everything here.
Your idiotic jokes and bashful banter ate me alive for the better.
For the first time in a while, I want something and I sometimes would curse myself for even thinking about it. There was a part of me, that wanted me to try to resist, but it’s gone, ceased to exist. Almost like there was only ever this. Something about August has always invoked in me a sense of docility. It does not make sense at all. Instead of typing up a list and narrowing it down from what I feel when I am remotely close to someone and instantly thinking about you, like the way you respond to my nonsense, it’s like trying to picture a scene and find a piece of that reminds me of you in everything I see. I fear what you see inside, the feelings I dare not speak. Coming home to you. A blanket, a love letter, sand on my feet, lukewarm wind, a rose. I fell in love with a fantasy of what could have been. Like all the misfits I’ve known, I don’t want to kill this young sapling. I should have seen the sign. But it came too late and knowing how I felt stunned me for weeks.
I loved you on instinct, like the way I would chug on caffeine to get through the day.
And tonight, I can write the saddest lines. Maybe in another universe, you will love me too. It terrifies me. Nothing can ever convince me that any version of me across the multiverse is actually content with what I have but at least we are together in my dream. In this fateful encounter — I am the one with a helpless heart that has been lured into the endless pit of uncertainty. I found myself waking up from the slumber of what we could have been. As usual, the weight of unsent love letters and unsaid words… I will forever be the person who said “It’s okay, I understand. It could happen,” even my heart is literally shattering, in shambles, a husk of what I once was.
If you don’t feel the same. Then what can I gain from forcing your feelings upon mine?
