Your Ride to GTA Online’s Diamond Casino Grand Opening, on a Budget
The long-anticipated Casino update for Grand Theft Auto Online is just around the corner, and most players have been busy stockpiling cash for a set of wheels that will turn heads when they roll up to the valet on opening night. Impromptu car shows are materializing in parking lots all over Los Santos, where top-hatted crime bosses and leather-clad street punks find common ground in ogling the tuned and chromed machines roaring out of customs shops and into storage for the big night.
But what if you’re new to the game, or just got back into it, and can’t yet afford the latest tricked-out supercar, lowrider, or flying motorcycle? Don’t worry; there are plenty of affordable options for you to arrive in your own unique and unforgettable style!
Here are my top ten sets of wheels I hope to see under the neon lights, broken down into five categories:
1) DIY
Who says you need to show up in a NEW car to make an appearance? With a little scavenging and elbow grease, you’re only a YouTube tutorial away from turning that rusty old tin can out behind the barn into a coach fit for a princess. Best of all, these are modifications you can make right out of your garage instead of waiting in line at a “professional” mod shop.
Karin Futo
Don’t have the time or cash to get bodywork done on that old fixer-upper? Leave your judgmental attitude at the door & embrace the charming utilitarian aesthetic of rust and duct tape, because you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the amount of power underneath that grizzled hood.
Perhaps the greatest perk is that if you happen to run into a mailbox or jogger on your way to the casino, nobody will be able to see the damage.
Rune Cheburek
This plucky little rally car had big dreams, and tonight you’ll make them come true by fixing ‘er up for a night on the town! Of course, most dreams are meant to be tempered, and that’s no exception in this case since all you’ve got to work with is a cardboard box and a roll of packing tape. With a little imagination and innovation, though, you can at least fool people at a distance, so just remember to park near the back of the lot.
(Caution: Do not expose these modifications to water or high winds.)
2) Junkyard Thrift
If you love rooting through the Goodwill store for vintage stuff and then following a Pinterest tutorial to turn it into chic retro art, keep reading. These vehicles are always hard to look at when you find them, but they’re full of potential to be an artistic statement once you’ve pried off enough parts. When you’re done with a vehicle like this, you can just park it in the middle of your yard to let nature take over and turn your medium of self-expression into a beautiful metal topiary.
Bravado Rat Loader
If your granddad’s old farm truck doesn’t look so great on the outside, pop that hood off and show everyone how much raw muscle is hiding under the crusted, hail-battered paint job that hasn’t been refreshed since the Truman presidency. For mine, I also made sure that as much shit as possible was jutting out of the engine block, like a shredded peacock.
Comes with a spacious bed but no tailgate, so just don’t pile all your bags of casino winnings back there unless you’re feeling charitable.
Karin Rusty Rebel
Ahh, the denim vest of trucks. The Karin Rebel comes with a few different bed options, but arguably the best is this minimalist version. If it had a bumper, it would have a sticker that says “I’d rather be at the dunes.”
I can’t advocate anything illegal, but because you can find the basic version of these trucks almost anywhere outside the city, this is actually one of the cheapest options in the list.
3) Toys
Unless you were one of those rich kids who had a Power Wheels, you probably never got the chance to drive around a full-scale version of your favorite toy. In GTA Online, it’s actually surprisingly easy to turn normal vehicles into lifelike replicas of the models we grew up with, or at least create something that feels familiar.
Benefactor Panto
Bouncing around the city in a Panto really makes you feel like you’re at the wheel of an enormous Little Tykes car: They’re surprisingly maneuverable, but will bounce off of literally anything you run into. If you’re not the best at slaloming, expect to spend a lot of time spinning around like you’re on the teacup ride at Disney.
The color scheme really makes a huge difference here, and you should always go for bright colors and stark contrast. Neon kits are pretty essential too if you’ve got some extra cash; I can’t remember the last time I saw a toy car that didn’t light up. I used a glitch here to make the roof invisible, and if you’d like to do the same to various parts of the car, just look up “Panto bodywork glitch” on YouTube.
Weeny Issi
I’M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD
LIFE IN PLASTIC
IT’S FANTASTIC
4) Motorcycles
In ideal circumstances, the new casino would be located in Las Venturas (the GTA world’s equivalent of Las Vegas), which is renowned as a hub for motorcycle rallies and a jumping off point for bike tours of the southwestern United States, as well as the host of some of the world’s most famous motorbike stunts. Nonetheless, you should expect to see some fancy bikes at the casino’s premiere, so if you’re on a budget you’d better be prepared to make yourself stand out.
Western Zombie Chopper
If there’s anything that screams “patriot” louder than just owning one of these iconic choppers, it’s painting the entire thing like an American flag. Best of all, there’s no need to make reservations at the hotel; the engine is so obnoxious they’ll hear you coming two hours before you darken their door.
Bonus: It only takes a minor paint touchup to make your hog look like a festive candy cane for the holidays!
Nagasaki Chimera
Some of us never learned how to ride a bicycle, so it makes sense that the idea of balancing on a snarling, bare 200-horsepower engine and swerving through traffic is not everybody’s idea of a good night out. Luckily, somebody at Nagasaki is looking out for you; the Chimera has three wheels, and a tripod is the strongest shape in nature.
The color is ultimately up to you, but if you’re riding a tricycle you might as well lean into it and go with the classic red and white. The handlebar tassels and clown horn are optional.
5) Group Rates
If you’re planning to attend the opening with some friends, why spring for a better car when you can get a bigger one? Whether your pals pitch in, or you flex on ’em by buying it yourself, the road trip adventure you all share will be an unforgettable memory.
Bravado Youga Classic
Speaking of road trips, this spacious panel van will accommodate you and three of your cohorts in comfort and privacy on a trip of literally any length. When your group finally tumbles out into the harsh light of the casino parking lot in a cloud of pungent smoke and Cheeto dust, you’ll feel like you’ve fallen on your keys in an entirely different world.
For the hipsters out there, this van also has an optional livery that makes it seem rusted & old, so you don’t have to wait for time and weather to completely chew through the engine block to get that rugged, experienced look.
Declasse Granger
Don’t you love relaxing in the back seat while someone else does all the driving? …so do all your friends! You’re such an altruist, did you know that? Really though, for transporting a big rowdy bunch on the cheap this is the classiest you’re going to find. If you run out of space and you don’t mind breaking a couple laws, four of your most daring associates can cling to the sides of the vehicle. Just don’t get too close to the guardrail!
If you don’t mind being the designated driver for seven armed and intoxicated criminals, you can earn a little extra Blackjack money by painting the thing yellow and convincing your buddies they owe you taxi fare.
Zirconium Journey
Break your lease and tell your boss to shove it, it’s time to live out your parents’ retirement dreams and take a road trip to Sin City, baby! Well, not really since you’ll just be driving across town, but the advantage of showing up in a portable home is that you’ll be bringing your own personal penthouse suite with you.
I almost didn’t include this one in the list because it’s a Pegasus vehicle, which means you have to make a call and go pick it up when you want to use it, and it can’t be stored in a garage. But isn’t it all about living the fantasy?
No matter how you show up to the ceremonious grand opening, the most important thing you can do is to arrive in a vehicle that suits your personality. The best way to play a game like GTA is with friends, and I hope that when you show up to the valet, you’re behind the wheel of something you can be proud of, in formation with a crew of people who are ready to do crimes and roll some bones with you no matter what kind of cobbled-together bullshit you’re rolling in on.
