Dating a guy with Depression. Is it a Red Flag?

A few weeks ago I somewhat ended things with the guy I was dating, and it really broke my heart as I really liked him and wanted more with him. Sadly, he wasn’t on the same page as me, and I thought of sharing my story and the lessons I learned from this situation so that somewhere it might help someone who might be going through the same thing as me.

Where to begin? I moved to Paris for my master's back in October 2022, I met this guy on a dating app and we hit it off instantly, he respected my boundaries and we shared the same values. It was all sunshine and rainbows until 3 weeks into seeing each other he told me he had depression for a year I respect him for telling me this but that was the start of the crumbling down of our relationship. He started responding late, often 2 days late, left me on seen, and was never putting in the effort that I once saw when we began dating.

I communicated with him about how I felt and that I needed constant reassurance that he still liked me so that I don’t overthink a lot! But he responded by saying that texting and calling require a lot of energy and that him being depressed he doesn't have the social energy to respond to my texts and it was too much for him. So I broke things off, but he came back after 3 weeks and said he will make an effort to communicate more over texts, make plans to meet me and guess who fell for it again? ME

I thought of giving him a chance but again he did the same thing and told me that it was too much for him and that he needed a break. I was so hurt cause he was special to me, he made me feel comfortable, safe, and peaceful. He was everything I wanted in a partner minus the depression part. Now I don’t want to sound rude but he kind of started making excuses to not text back because of his depression and I caught that early on. I am still struggling to move on and I miss him terribly but I know I am better off without him.

The lessons that I learned from this particular situation were

1. Never wait around a guy to change, if he puts in effort one day and slowly starts declining the efforts RUN, cause he is clearly not that into you.
2. He told me he was emotionally unavailable and that “I deserved better” yup the classic call, I should have left him after that but I thought I could change him make him commit to me, and make his depression go away by showing him what genuine love is and by loving him wholeheartedly. BUT NO we all need to understand that we are the rule and not the exception, we can't change someone unless they want themselves to change for their own betterment. ( Watch the movie or Read the book - “he is not that into you” to understand the context) Highly Recommend it.
3. If a guy says he is not available emotionally that means he is not available, we don’t need to complicate things and look for signs or go deeper into thinking about why did he say that, what made him say that, and what can I change to make him not say that.
4. You deserve the bare minimum, and no you are not annoying or asking too much, you deserve consistency and mutual efforts. Honestly don’t settle for anything less. I learned this the hard way.

Men are very simple, they show it through their actions more than their words, so if he doesn’t text you, doesn’t plan any dates, doesn’t call, he is not just into you end of the story.

My case was pretty different at least I thought so, I did not know how to deal with men who had depression I was getting caught up in the loop of overthinking, anxiety and not hearing back from him it was mentally exhausting. How much ever it hurts to let go of him, I know I should let go, as it is better for me and for my mental health.

To Conclude, is dating a guy with depression a red flag? I don’t think so, each and every individual is different but even after giving a second chance the guy doesn't change or things are the same he doesn't show any signs of improvement, then it’s time to let go. I know it’s hard to leave someone who is already depressed but trust me it’s better to let go now than to second guess whether or not he likes me when he keeps having these waves of anxiety throughout the week and he doesn't text you or call you for 3 days. Trust me it’s better to move on and not hold back.

Crying every night, feeling lonely yes I know how it feels, but I also know that we can get through this. After a while, it won’t hurt as much as it hurts today.

I miss him terribly and I so wish I was with him right now but I know It is better for me to move on and let go.

Move on and Let go. Allow myself to heal and meet someone that matches my efforts and wants the same thing as me.

Don’t give up, you deserve the love you keep trying to give someone else :)

Until next time.

-Xo, K