Actually, no. Fuck you.

I feel like I always walk on eggshells because of how you made me feel. I can’t trust anyone. I find it so hard to talk to people. I always carry the fear that someone is talking behind my back. I am so angry and I don’t know what to do with all this anger since it’s clung to me for a few years.

When I opened up to you, you dismissed my feelings with a half-assed apology and tried to blame me for feeling left out because apparently, I didn’t try hard enough. I admit there’s times I could’ve done more, but I did try to put in the effort. I really wasn’t asking for much by requesting that you use our group chat more. I’m sorry if my methods weren’t cool or trendy enough, but it was my preferred communication and it shouldn’t have even been an issue if our friendship meant anything to you.

But anyway, to rub salt on the wound, you proceeded to gang up on me and tell me everything that I did wrong when it wasn’t even the right time to have that conversation. You put me on the spot, like a deer in headlights, without warning. I didn’t know any better, so I apologised for everything out of fear and let you have the benefit of the doubt. But now I’m not scared and I know better, so let’s go through that list.

You said that I was patronising and clapped at your friend like a dog. To your friend: I’m sorry about that. Maybe your friend really is a dog. An obedient little lap dog. A kiss-ass who should honestly get a straw so that the shit doesn’t stain their lips. Jokes aside, I’ll admit that clapping to grab you guys’ attention after nothing else worked was unconventional and inappropriate, so I apologise because I really didn’t mean for it to come across that way.

You also got mad at me because most of the time I couldn’t hear you when you were talking. I later found out that was a sensory problem, so thanks for raising that issue to me. It turns out that I’m not deaf, but I could hear your voice at the same volume as every other fucking voice in the lunch hall. Who would’ve thought? Anywho, what I’m understanding from that is that it was my fault for asking you to repeat what you said. For a long time, it made me so nervous to ask for clarification. I still struggle with asking people to repeat what they said because of that. For that, I want to strangle you. But I won’t.

Of course being passive aggressive was immature and I’ll be the first to admit that. But I saw the way you reacted when a person was transparent about what was bothering them. There were things I did wrong and I certainly wasn’t perfect, but I trusted you enough to open up to you and, not only did you blame me for being left out, but you also put me on the spot and made me feel unsafe. You seriously let me down, and I can never forgive you for that.

To be honest, I feel quite stupid for not leaving after that incident. I didn’t know any better, but when you don’t have the words to describe your situation, deep down you’ll know that the environment is unsafe before you can figure out the why. After months of feeling unsafe, I was able to choose myself. Knowing that I wasn’t crazy was freeing, but I’ve still got a lot of work to do before I can feel like myself again.

I’m still second guessing myself to this day, and I know that if a certain crowd stumbles upon this bitter little letter, they’ll know it’s about them. But I’m not bothered. After trying so hard to not fall out of line, I don’t really care anymore. After walking on eggshells for years, I can say that I’m okay with being the villain in someone’s story just this once. Even if I know that there’s no bad guy.