It occurred to me while not sleeping at 3 AM (which is not usually a problem for me) that my full self worth, my full self perception, is measured by my perception of others’ ideas of me. They’re quiet, they don’t like me, I must be lame. Three steps that lead to one idea of myself, one idea for which I had no input. It’s not always bad. My wife thinks I’m smart, I’ve often been told I’m smart, so my own brain and thoughts and intelligence have nothing to do with my perception of my mind. That’s irrelevant. It’s just that I’ve been told that this is how I am perceived, so I hold onto this positive attribute that I apparently have.
I think this stems from the fact that my mind, on your average day sitting quietly, is not a great place to be. It’s not calm and positive, but rather like doing hurdles to find a moment of peace. Mental health is a complicated thing, because there is a domino effect. My own consciousness is not-so-great, so I text and or talk to friends to stay outside of it, but this also means I depend on and trust their statements (or their silence) to keep the moments moving forward. Their perception (or, as the case my be, my perception of their perception) is taken as fact.
But how does someone change something that, potentially, has always been the case? I’ve always been told I was smart, kind, patient, etc., so that has been my self-description as well. How do I figure out who I think I am based on my own consciousness and actions, rather than based on what I assume others think?
It probably starts with caring less what they think of me and with being more comfortable in the mild (and sometimes not mild) turmoil of my own brain. Maybe that’s actually secondary to deciding what I think of me. I mean, yes I am smart, but do I really believe that? Yes, I am kind, but how would I know that if not described that way by the people around me?
This is where I’m lost.
