Hey guys!

I started this thing after light persuasion from a couple of friends. When I created my account light years ago, I made up my mind to post only fiction, reviews and articles, twice a week, and never my opinion nor autobiography. I started kubyuyanga.wordpress.com, and managed only a measly ten posts before that sneaky lil guy, Life, started coming around frequently to happen impolitely on me. Soon enough, putting new posts on the blog was way down my priorities list.

Anyway, I’ve decided to resume posting here. But I’ve lost interest in publishing my fictional fare for free, even the cringe worthy ones. I might change my mind, but to know, we’ll have to wait at least one more day right? All you’ll be getting now is my mind and its reflections. On whether I care about the stains you’ll discover in there, and the flaws that’ll be reflected out, the jury is still out on that one. I stopped writing when a concatenation of really unbelievably embarrassing, humiliating and storybookey events blindsided, surprised and sometimes spooked even me, storyteller that I was. Am. Was I ever? Let’s not go that way today, back to this thing.

This writing, storyteller thing. Nollywood don’t really pay writers like that o, unless you are Nkiru Njoku, Sanchez or Chris Ihidero. But even then, after over fifteen years of Nollywood toil combined with their talents, (we’ll touch on the topic, ‘Talents’ briefly later today) how much those guys dey really collect sef? Anyway leave that one, na another day tori, but if you’ve not noticed the hidden warning there, and still wanna ‘make it’ as writer in this Lagos like some other abnormal folk, then you desperately need to have talent. Like I promised to intimate you earlier, fairly used Talent is sold at Mandilas, Lagos Island, beside the new CBN building. They come in three colours and are quite cheap; find a nice one and buy it.

Forget inspiration, you’ll have to motivate yourself. If muse delays, use arizona. Hone your craft, stay up late to write plenty utter rubbish. You might choose to use coffee, tramadol, kolanut, loud or more arizona, if you’re having problems keeping sleep at bay. Tramadol has other abuses, but that’s a story for another day. Also, you’ll need to find one particularly slim aunty with horn-rimmed glasses at Charity bus stop, Oshodi. She sells current affairs booklets and the pamphlet; ‘Professional Asskissing: A nolly good case study.’ It’s 3 for 5 naira. Exchange five bucks for some. Read the first one, practice the work book on the second, and use the third as a working document.

Your ability to load your phone and wish your mum happy birthday, the lean resources you’ll need to pretend you’re a big uncle to Edafe’s children, and your travel budget for visiting your hometown this Christmas, depends on your mastery of all I’ve mentioned above. Yes, I almost forgot, and your skill in the art of typing 4 weak scripts simultaneously with all your 3 hands every now and then. It’s not like you’ll get paid anything much for them but let me not deviate yet again. This is a story for another day mbok. Let me find my way back to what I set out to say in the first place.

And en he before I forget, did I mention I met Adiele Baba-Random Ephraim again after a poetry festival? Random is still Random. Random is a guy I like. But I didn’t go to the Park to meet Random, rather, I went to see Onyeka’s House of Nwapa. I arrived 40 minutes after the documentary had finished screening. I had a chance to arrive early but something happened, and yes you guessed it… that something that happened is story for another day! Since I’d missed the film, I sat down and had a drink with people. Some I hadn’t seen in a while, and others I was just meeting. Random sat beside me and we conversed while he stole glances at the fair Lupita. Something (not too important right now) motivated me to tell him that God is Nature and Nature is God. I explained to him that humans are born equal but get programmed by domestic situation, geography and culture.

Since it was Random, the convo continued, but not randomly. He shared insights about my claims, and I told him that Hindus, Muslims and especially Christians are all wrong, or at best, far from totally right. I went on to say that, different exceptionally intelligent and opinionated, inspiring and charismatic orators all propagated their respectively lucid but diverse interpretations of the laws of Nature. They wrote-in clauses and extrapolated bylaws into the original Constitution — these promoted the sustenance and furtherance of their ideas. I used a Christian example to argue to Random that pioneer worshippers of the Christian God were smart guys. They wrote in a subsection in Mother Nature’s Constitution (yeah God is female too, and those guys acted as humans but claimed Divine direction. But that’s a story for another day). They made it law that everybody must bring in a tenth of their substance (them: “SYMBOLICALLY”. Me: “Who that kain lie don ever epp”), and feast with family in the Temple in the presence of God. Look at Deuteronomy 18 : 1–5 and Deuteronomy 26 : 1–13. The point is, since it was an agricultural society, everyone came in with food, so there was always enough to sustain the Priests and Levites for the rest of the year while they propagated the Jewish interpretation of God as Jehovah. And I hope you know Christianity is only New Improved Judaism, though that’s a story for another day sha. The Jehovah guys were/are so smart that they met with huge success; me and half of you out there are prove — Christians us.

You don’t even understand me yet? Okay let me attempt to hexplain further.

See, The Thing that creates the gases, and mixes them to make air, then tickles the air into the dance that becomes the wind, which stirs the water, to bring the tide… That Force plus all those gases, the air, wind, water, fire — all of that, is Nature. Sorry I mean God. No, I actually mean Allah. Infack (in my Uyo accent), just fill in the blangs for your religion!

You are who you are because of the endless input from your parents, neighbourhood(s), Imams, Rabbis, pastors, and your long hours on Pornhub. Everyone believe the truth they believe because of the people and institutions that nurtured them, and the surroundings they developed in. Nobodyreligion is absolutely right, except Nature. Nature is King, Queen and God. You understand that I absolutely believe these things I’m saying here. Maybe you might doubt the fact that I’m a steadfast Bornagain Christian, maybe not, but Boyyoe you gats find one thing hold am strong, but that full story is for another day. Truth is, you have to find faith in the supreme Creator you believe in, discover the eternal laws (or principles) of nature, and look at things for yourself — not through your pastor’s smudgy glasses.

The fact is, I actually set out to write about why I’m not writing fiction here anymore — oh, I remember I said earlier that’s a story for another day. Yes, and also talk about Onyeka’s film of which I was a part of the production, but that’s also story for another day.

Jokes apart, I truly really sincerely wanted to write about why I hadn’t been able to write fiction here or anywhere else, for so long. But with this blog post at over a thousand words already, even that, has now become a story for another day!

Originally published at kubyuyanga.wordpress.com on October 31, 2016.