Damn you, Zionists: Tenenbom’s Mea Shearim Adventures
What follows is a jocular retelling of the contents of an amusing book by Tuvia Tenenbom (Jewish) prepared by us at Kugel Books (also Jewish), so we are most definitely not being anti-Semitic.
An old man wearing a round furry hat and a golden kaftan meets another on the streets of Mea Shearim, the most ultra-orthodox of orthodox Jewish districts in Jerusalem. Although similar in age, the two men are not the same. Most particularly, the latter is distinguished by a flashy smartphone and the all-important suspenders. That’s Tuvia Tenenbom, a former Haredi Jew, a current Germano-American and a wholesome beardless citizen of the world, on his newest quest for book material. His heavily bearded conversation partner, a member of one of the many Haredi sects in Mea Shearim, happens to have plenty information to provide. Unfortunately, he is busy strolling around and enjoying his shabbos so Tuvia will have to spend almost a year sticking around to get all his answers. The question is the discovery of the mystical Haredi world that he himself was born to but one that he had left long behind.
In his most recent book, One God Street aka Tempted by a Pinky, quite literally lifts the blanket on many secrets, mysteries and controversies of ultra-orthodox life. However, I am no Bridgeton so you will have to read the book for all its juicy lascivious details, political controversies, and endless positive food-related gushings. Instead, let’s look at what it takes to be the most orthodox man of all orthodox men under God in the most orthodox district of Jerusalem, the holiest city, and some problems you might face.
Woos macht a Jud to get money?
Life is full of treacherous surprises and unexpected expenses. One of these days you might wake up and feel the desperate need to get married like it so often happens to a man in Mea Shearim. A perfectly ordinary, common and normal lavish wedding will probably cost several hundreds of thousands of shekels. Where does a Jew working in food processing or — ideally — a Torahic scholar get so much money? Luckily there is a simple answer. Just find trusty pillars of the community as guarantors and pay a visit to the local gemach to get a zero-interest loan! Israeli gemachs are sort of charity banks where the haves put deposit money to be borrowed by the have-nots for totally necessary purposes such as getting a woman under a chuppah. If your guarantors are solid and you get a little luck, you might get your money as soon as in six months and then, well, there will be no more obstacles to love.
The perils of Jewish shopping
You got your money and a wife so the next critical thing in your life as the most orthodox man in the most orthodox city district is to do some shopping for ritual necessities. One of those is the well-known etrog. Etrogs are sort of barely edible lemons that would be completely useless, except that no celebration of Shavuot can take place without a sexy etrog being shaken all over the place. For a successful celebration, you simply have to get the most attractive etrog there is. How do you pick the sexiest etrog, you ask? Well, all you have to do is to pass by an etrog vendor who had invariably already picked out the best etrog in store and placed it on display. You can’t miss it. Of course, such an etrog will cost you extra. You can’t expect the perfect etrog to cost you 10 shekels like some common lemon. It has to be at least 2000 shekels if it’s worth its seeds. If you happen to be an etrog vendor, just pick any other etrog to display as the best after your overjoyed customer leaves.
Damn you Zionists!
Sometimes things go wrong in your perfect Haredi life, and it is clear who is to blame. Zionists! It is a no-brainer because Zionists are not Jews. They are pure goyim. They are pesky non-Jewish Egyptians who infiltrated Israelite camps under the cover of darkness at Sinai with the sole purpose of hiking up the real estate prices so you can’t get the lovely one-bedroom flat for you and your six children. At least those Satanists won’t be able to be buried at the same cemetery, so you will catch a break then.
Damn you, other Jews!
Your way of jewing is the right way of jewing. Everybody else is plain wrong. You know it, and they should know it. Sometimes they just don’t get it, though. Like when those annoying Sefardis keep coming to your beautiful airconditioned shul instead of the old ruin that they have at their disposal. What do you do then? You can’t tell them to get out like the Zionists since they are also Jewish, albeit wrongly. Perhaps the solution is to put up signs that are bound to ethically drive them away. Consider “No studying without coats” or “No studying in the dirty Hebrew language allowed”. That should do it.
Problems, God, angels, and the Rebe
Sometimes bad things happen for no obvious reason (although it is still probably the fault of Zionists), and you need a bit of help. Thankfully you have angels. Every time you do a good deed, you create a white angel who runs right up to the almighty to whisper how great you are into his divine ear. Every time you do something you shouldn’t, you create a black one who immediately scurries to the other ear of the omniscient being to tell him you really deserve being slaughtered immediately. Perhaps you should keep the balance in your favour, but beware of doing things dishonestly because then your angels might end up weak, or in other words handicapped, and we all know that the heavens aren’t particularly handicapable-friendly.
Generating enough white angels isn’t always easy, so it is better you be on good terms with your Rebe. The Rebe is the leader of your pious group, a very wise man. In fact, he is so wise and pious that he generates not just white angels but mega white angels, and those are worth a lot, so you better devote a substantial portion of your income to support your Rebe so he supports you when Zionists get you in trouble.
God or Rebe?
We are so insignificant in the face of Hashem, so it’s probably pointless to talk to the one and only directly. Better ask the Rebe. The Rebe is not just your private angel generator but also a direct line to the ultimate one. Like a very fast Wi-Fi, really. If you need to get close to God, get close to the Rebe first. Naturally, there is no need for you to read the Torah or any of the other scrolls yourself. It is more important to study the law laid down by generations of rabbis like knowing what stalks of wheat to cut and when. Rest assured that the Rebe will tell you what you need to know. He is the one with the cosmic uplink after all.
Conclusion
Life as the most orthodox man of orthodox men is not easy. You do your best to be friendly, open and almost willing to die for your faith, but people like Tuvia Tenenbom keep asking you ridiculous questions like “Why?”. The purpose of your life is to study the Torah, and isn’t it completely irrelevant that you barely ever get to read the five books of Moses? The law is way more important. Why don’t you get that Tuvia?
They made Judaism a belief in restrained dress for both men and women. And when I ask them about the origins of their unique clothing, they tell me bizarre stories about a Russian tsar, a cat’s tail, a Turkish sultan, and a mother who tortures her daughter with boiling water. To make matters worse, they think that Satan hides under women’s clothes and the Holy Presence rests over men’s heads. If the two meet, oy vey, Satan will win, not God.
Source:
This title has not been published in English yet, and the article is based on its Czech version, so you can get that one if you wield that language or read Tenenbom’s previous title Catch the Jew! at https://amzn.to/48pAqMq
