Breaking the Mold
In the silent of the night, long after my neighbor’s laughter has died down, I lie awake tossing and turning trying to find the right angle perhaps it will be easier tonight. It isn’t, so I give in and lay on my back, looking across the room that I call home, it has a hollow feeling to it how did I even get here, I sigh even ‘my boo’ does not seem to have an answer. This is not where I imagined myself to be but things rarely turn out the way we want them to but isn’t that the beauty of life? Never knowing what tomorrow might bring?
Surprises each day, some sweet and some not so sweet, sometimes life surprises me and then there are those rare moments when I surprise myself. Tonight is not one of those nights though, as the worries and doubts come flooding in.
Will I make it? Is it worth it? What if I lose friends because of it? Am I just being naïve? How do I go about it? Who will I be after changing some of the things I have learned to love, to enjoy, the very things that define Kui? What if I do not get married at all or perhaps not find the person with the same values as I, Am I ready to be celibate?
The next questions come even before I have found the answer to the previous one and although am filled with doubts never has my heart been clearer and free as it is at this moment. I knew something was not right in my life but I did not know where to start but it kept nudging me like those instances when you know someone’s face but you are unable to place his/her name or where you know them from and you try to concentrate on the face as you dig in your mind until a name finally comes.
I will have desires; I will think about sex and probably miss it even more. There will be times when I will want to give in but sexual purity is not about what I cannot do, it is about what I choose to do at those moments. And with courage I sail into unfamiliar territories of learning how to control my body in a way that is holy and honorable.
I hit the delete button on anything in my phone that is likely to be a temptation and will myself to go to sleep.