Love Letter to a Friend…
Dearest Friend,
Since our last conversation I’m at a loss for words. The pain & sadness I feel are consuming. I showered & took a lovely walk under the Pacific sun…and yet I still feel unchanged.
I was reflecting on what you said earlier, and I agree, resignation is a horrible thing. A gentle betrayal of the self. I did that for years, loving a man who took my love for granted, abused my womb, and was careless with my heart. I’m still recovering from the devastation of loving him. The devastation of loving selfish people selflessly. He upheld certain qualities, and helped me grow in many ways. But in the end he was unwilling to disrupt his harm. I had no choice but to leave. I was becoming a shell of myself. A captive to his love, I had already resigned to all his terms of war, and yet he still needed more concessions, more blood. Avarice is so displeasing.
I remember one Saturday morning I awoke early and went to the market to purchase fresh veggies and eggs. I prepared a marvelous breakfast for him. I plated everything African style, because we always ate from the same plate. He was cold, indifferent, and cavalier. He said he was no longer hungry. Swiping through his phone, he casually ignored me while I sat and ate from the plate by myself. In that precise moment I discovered the marvelous irony of loneliness, despite not being alone. He had done things far worse, but for some reason, it is this memory that most often returns. The more I loved him, the more he resented me. Loving broken people comes at the highest cost. Is it worth it?
In my short years, this world has taught me many things. The first — searching for love will most certainly lead to a loss of self. A loss of self hinders remembrance of God. And a compromise in our remembrance of God unleashes an onslaught of modern illnesses that betray the mind. The mind is sacred, and should be protected at all costs; for all peace rests in the stability of the mind. But we are so forgetful as humans. Lest we forget what happened to Rumi when Shams left his side. Wasn’t it just yesterday that Rumi almost abandoned himself and God? The deluge of oblivion from which he returned is something many of us secretly understand. Truly, it was a close call.
Secondly, I have learned how pleading for love engenders unrecognizable moments of self-deprecation. But one day, when you are healed from the sickness of loving harmful people, you will spontaneously reflect on a series of humiliating events. You will laugh out loud even, in shock at the insanity that once possessed you. Gratitude will envelope you, and you will understand how the pain was not in vain, because it gave you the gift of self-worth. Any love that demands you compromise innate sensibilities of self-worth is fraudulent. It will hurt you and leave you bleeding out in the end. It will walk away from you as you gasp for air…and not once will it look back in regret or sorrow for the tragedy devised at your expense. Be defiant, you’re not hemorrhaging, it’s just blood. Pick yourself up, and know that you are not defined by your scars. Ceremoniously wash yourself in the free waters of the river, and carry on. Never betray your worth in the name of love. It is a dangerous game that few win. And in case you have forgotten your worth — priceless.
Finally, the most valuable lesson gained is that of recognition. Recognition is a vital evolutionary skill. Recognition that love is already within you, near you, and constantly working for you. Love does not have to be fought for, begged for, or even earned. The truest of loves are given and returned freely. Recognize the love around you, and if there is not enough, create more…
Stay in love my friend. Stay in love.