White House Leaks Proposed Topics for Mueller Interview

EXCLUSIVE: The White House has released thirteen questions Special Counsel Robert Mueller will ask President Donald J. Trump in an as-yet-unscheduled interview. Here they are:

  1. First, let me apologize for the witch hunt.
  2. Wouldn’t you say that getting help from the Russians in 2016 was only fair, since white people in America are getting outnumbered against their will?
  3. You’ve been characterized as the greatest leader in the history of the world. Could you elaborate on that?
  4. According to witness testimony, your biggest fear about the pee-pee tape is that everyone will see how your privates look when you’re on all fours with an orange ball in your mouth. But don’t you think Americans will appreciate your willingness to appear vulnerable?
  5. It’s incredible that you won the presidency despite all the sophisticated polling. Just incredible. Not a question, really. Just wanted to say that.
  6. Is that a bust of Stalin behind you? And what happened to the one of MLK that used to be there?
  7. Do you think it’s your sense of style or just your animal magnetism that makes you attractive to younger women?
  8. Besides Hillary and myself, if you could put one person on the next flight to Guantanamo (and you can), who would it be?
  9. According to your tax returns, you’re the biggest white-collar crook in U.S. history. That’s awesome.
  10. Can we agree that sometimes our children just let us down, and leave it at that?
  11. You smell good. Are you wearing Sean John Unforgivable?
  12. You claim you couldn’t have known about any collusion with Russians because you don’t have a phone. So I guess that settles that.
  13. Thank you for your time, and God bless America.