Back from the Brink of Destruction

Hello, Medium. It’s been a while. Let’s have a little ole chat, shall we?

This is mainly continuing on from my last personal related post, titled ‘Update: Struggling to Escape’. In that post, I was in a pretty bad way. I’m unsure if it was the anti-depressants shrouding my judgement, or I really felt the way I did — but it was safe to say it’s a place I have never been in before; a place of uncertainty and greyness. You will have noticed, if you follow me in any capacity, that I have been cutting down on my writing quite a bit for the past few weeks. Although from my last post it appeared as if I would be gone from the world of technology writing, I did kind of fall back in love with it again…in a way. Technology writing still holds a place nearer my heart, but it’s my overall fascination with writing that has stayed upright in my cloudy mind. I don’t follow much technology news any more — and apart from the odd bit of news I find on Twitter — I don’t go out of my way to find it. This isn’t because I’m distancing myself from everything and keeping well away from anyone to concede victory to depression, it’s because I met somebody that makes me feel truly alive again; a safe haven I can truly call ‘home’, keeping my dark thoughts at bay.

My Safe Haven

WARNING: This paragraph contains sop

I’m going to be open with you guys: I have never been in a relationship before, and it wasn’t for a lack of trying, either. It seemed whenever I really got talking to someone and they got to know me better, they ran for the hills as if I was wearing a hockey mask at Crystal Lake. I tried online dating, going out and meeting people and being set up by friends — none of which worked. Each time this happened, my emotional wellbeing went off the scale, wondering what is truly wrong with me and searching deep inside to find answers. I didn’t want to change who I was, because that would not be me and how I truly feel about the world and everything in it. I needed to find somebody that liked me for…well…me. Even if that meant I would be fast-approaching 30 and never having had a relationship, I knew that I tried and went for it being the person I am, and not a filtered version that isn’t me at all.

I never knew what the illustrious word called ‘love’ meant, or even felt like. You can read as many books as you want, as many romantic films as your heart desires, but those are personal depictions of what the word means to them, and how they feel. You have to gauge your own personal feeling on what love is, and as soon as you encounter it, you just know.

Nearly 2 months ago, I met someone. Just so I’m not naming anyone specific, as I doubt she wants her name plastered all over the internet without knowing, let’s called her Lenny (it’s a running joke we have; deal with it). I met Lenny online in the month of June, and I was at the stage of my relationship finding journey that I was about to give up. This was at the time where I had given up on my writing in general, lost my way with anybody around me, and the depression really set a precedent on my life. The day I met Lenny, I was about to remove my online dating profile and give up completely for a while. I sent her a brief message of ‘How’s it going?’, since the usual long-winded, catered messages that are recommended weren’t working. She replied and we got talking ever since.

2–3 weeks into our online chatting, we FaceTimed, spent hours on the phone together, talking about anything and everything and time really didn’t matter for those moments we spoke. I just felt like it was me and her in our own little world that I never wanted to leave. She made me feel like I wasn’t worthless to anyone, and that I’m actually a decent guy — and more importantly I made her as happy as she needed to be, because she’s worth every smile I put on her face.

A week or so after our on-and-off FaceTime calls, we met in person. This was the day I knew what the ‘L’ word meant to me. People can say it’s too quick to judge on meanings so deep, but you perceive differently from person to person. The first time we met, it was a simple first date situation: We walked around a beautiful lake and spent hours sitting around, talking about where we want to be in our lives and making each other laugh. Time, again, did not matter with her — it wouldn’t have mattered if we had spent a full 24 hours there that day, because it wouldn’t have felt like it at all. Our own little world that was once shared through a small application that Apple had created, flourished tenfold in real life. I felt invincible being with her, made me stronger as a person and instilled confidence I hadn’t had since I was in my early teens.

The ‘L’ Word

So, what does ‘L’ word mean to me? It means happiness, butterflies and overwhelming amounts of confidence. She makes me want to follow my dreams, go on adventures and overall not be a lazy so-and-so. She makes me want to enjoy life, not worry about my past mistakes and move forward — dwindling on the past will only slow down your way of moving forward, so just let it go and make some memories. Every day I spend talking to her is the best day of my life — so it’s safe to say that each day, right now, is better than the last.

She is the only person I see by my side when I’m feeling down, or want to be spontaneous. I want to do everything, and experience things with her, because she is worth every damn time I have spare in my life right now. Lenny is the reason I am not on the brink of destruction anymore, and I will spent the rest of my days repaying her for that, making her the happiest woman on the planet in the process.

I want to travel the world with her, write about our experiences and opinions, and most importantly make the most of this thing we call life.

It’s weird seeing a happy post from me, right? I wasn’t hacked, I swear.