Drama triangle — finding the way out
“Involvement in an unhealthy drama triangle is not something another person is doing to you. It’s something you are doing with another person — Johnson, R. Skip
In general, I like psychology and never miss an opportunity to read some motivational and life-asserting literature. Recently I came across new sphere to me, the social model that was described by Stephen Karpman, M.D., a student of Eric Berne, M.D. (the founder of transactional analysis).
According to Karpman’s social model, human interaction can be observed in a closed cycle of relationship, the so called “Karpman’s Drama Triangle”. There are three typical behaviour patterns “Persecutor”, “Rescuer” and “Victim”. Well, you might say that you cannot look at the world through such a narrow prism, consisted of only three behavioural models.
“No matter where we may start on the triangle, we generally spend some time as the victim…” — Johnson, R. Skip
You might even think: “Oh no, I am definitely not a victim” or “I am not a persecutor, I am a good person and never behave this way”. Unfortunately, these patterns could be met on every level of human interaction. These three types are not pathological as you might first think. In order to be a victim you don’t have always behave like a real victim, it might be just a slight feeling, your attitude, or even the preferences you make in your life.
Remember the reaction of your friends and parents, when you first shared your dream of your life. How many times you heard from close ones that you aren’t good enough or your goal is insubstantial? It might have been a painful experience to receive such a negative reaction from the people who have wished only the best for you.
Parents or friends in this way were playing a role of a “Persecutor” and you were therefore a “Victim”. When you were a child your father told you not to do this or that, in this case, he just played a role of either a “Rescuer” or a “Persecutor“ . According to Karpman’s triangle you played a “Victim” by trying to make your dad feel good (“Rescuer”) or felt scared by not meeting your dad’s expectations (“Persecutor”).
By looking for either approval or disapproval you automatically put yourself into “Victim” role thus placing your opponent on to one of the possible pedestals: Rescuer/Persecutor. “Victim” has to have his “Rescuer” or “Persecutor” to continue being a victim. A “Persecutor” cannot function without a “Victim”.
“According to Karpman, any time that we don’t take responsibility for our feelings and make ourselves out to be a victim, we are setting the stage for a drama triangle to form, and failure” — R. Skip Johnson
When first reading book by Eric Berne Games People Play, to say the truth, I was overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. Well, it was an emotionally toughest read ever. At some point I was even discouraged by discovering the patterns in me that I previously considered to be my own personality, something unique that only belonged to me. On the second thought I was encouraged and got an “aha!” moment. After practicing the Karpman’s triangle on friends I figured out that by feeding the opponent’s role of a “Persecutor” or “Rescuer” you are risking to stuck in the position of a victim. When I refused to perform role of a victim surprisingly to my myself I watched a mega shift: the opponent immediately was sliding to “Rescuer” or even to “Victim” position. This small example made me to review my own attitude and behaviour patterns that I unconsciously used previously in my life and delve more into transactional analysis. The so called “signals” that are coming from the person could be used for better: for exiting this drama triangle once and forever and starting a healthier communication. We don’t have to feel ourselves offended, discriminated or accused all the time, we have a choice not to accept the role forced by other person and instead of turning from “Victim” to “Persecutor” or vice versa we can just break the rules and exit!
Can we ever step out of our triangular life? Unfortunately, being aware about these social behaviour patterns will not transform you overnight. Skip Johnson says that it might take a whole life period to learn how to manoeuvre others in the triangle. But what can be done to step out of drama triangle is to stop taking on the roles of “Victim”, “Rescuer” or “Persecutor”. Can we really avoid being superior or inferior?
How to stop this drama cycle and start living a better life? Acey Choy M.Ed., PTSTA, suggested a new model in the Transactional Analysis Journal as the antithesis of the Karpman Triangle. Here are the simple steps that anyone can take in order to go down from the pedestal of “Victim”, “Persecutor” or “Rescuer”.
Steps for a “Victim”:
1. Accept the actual circumstances and face your fear
2. Learn new skills and make new decisions
3. Think about what you want and how to get it. Take action.
Steps for a “Persecutor”:
1. Learn to ask, don’t blame others, initiate negotiations.
2. Let others know what you want, give feedback.
3. Take responsibility for your actions and feelings
Steps for a “Rescuer”:
1. Support, listen and give assistance, but don’t expect from others to act the same
2. Stop worrying about other people’s steps and respect them for taking these steps themselves
3. Accept others as equal
For further reading I recommend to refer to the below sources.
Sources:
- Johnson, R. Skip (2015). Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle. BPDFamily
- Forrest, Lynne (2008). The Three Faces of Victim — An Overview of the Drama Triangle. Transforming Victim Consciousness
- Book by Berne, Eric (1966). Games People Play. New York: Ballantine Books. ISBN 978–0345410030
- Karpman, Stephen (2014). A Game Free Life: The definitive book on the Drama Triangle and Compassion Triangle by the originator and author-the new transactional analysis of intimacy, openness, and happiness. Self-published
- Harris, Thomas (1969). I’m OK, You’re OK. New York: Galahad Books. ISBN 978–1578660759
- Fjelstad, Margalis (2014) Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life. ISBN 978–1442238329
