I can’t talk right now, I’m in the middle of a downwards spiral.

“Focus on yourself” has probably been the hardest piece of advice I’ve ever had to take. In fact, I’m not entirely sure I’ve taken it.

Before I go any further, I’d like to apologize in advance to everyone for the lack of structure and the fucked up punctuation in this article or whatever it is.

I’d also like to issue an apology to my mother, if she ever has the misfortune of reading this, for the sheer amount of profanity that may or may not happen below this paragraph (and the teensy bit that already did). Sorry ma.

Now that’s out of the way, picture a million finger guns. That’s what’s going on in my head right now. And it’s probably the best thought I’ve had in the last two weeks. Some of them are exploding into flesh confetti and forming a beautiful, bloody pile on the ground, and I wish you could all see it.

The last three paragraphs have been me avoiding talking about what I came here to talk about. They’re also not very good, so if you’re still here, I know you really fucks with me. Or you just have absolutely nothing better to do. I respect both reasons equally.

Focusing on myself has always been a hard thing for me. I’m sure a few months of therapy would teach me why, but in my uninformed opinion and from my experience being me, I’d say it boils down to two (2) things; fear of my own mind and my thoughts, and one kickass inferiority complex.

Now, if you’ve ever heard me talk about myself (which, if you’ve ever heard me talk, you probably have), you’ve definitely noticed both these things.

Fuck, this is going to be annoying to edit.

It’s ironic, though, because feelings of inferiority would surely cease to exist if I found a way to get rid of the constant compulsion to compare myself to everyone else, which would be really fucking easy if I shifted focus away from their accomplishments or their looks or their personalities, and put it on mine. But at the end of the day, it’s even easier to avoid facing myself.

FUCK!!!

This is getting me nowhere.

I don’t know where my feelings of inferiority stem from, but damn they work hard. I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m scared I’ll never be good enough. I’m scared I’ll never be enough. I don’t know what for, but shit, it terrifies me. I’m scared that I’m too self centered. I’m insecure about a lot. I’m untrusting and unforgiving, even of myself. I’m afraid I’m a bad person.

That was a bunch of thoughts I’m constantly avoiding, and there’s a bunch more.

I’m really quiet until I’m not, and then when I talk, I pipe down again, because I’m scared nobody’s listening. I’m usually right. And why would they? Nobody wants to listen to someone with no real problems talk about how hard he has it. Honestly, I have no right and no reason to have these thoughts and these feelings. Okay maybe I do. Dishonestly, I have no right and no reason to have these thoughts and these feelings.

It’s still not over? Damn!

Focusing on myself wasn’t a hard decision to make, if I’m honest. The hard part was, and is, and will be following through. First step, as always, is cutting down my social media presence. So, for the 3,762nd time, I uninstalled Twitter. Not sure how much good that’ll do, but it’s a start.

I don’t know what comes next, but I assume it involves doing things that make me feel good about myself. I’m open to suggestions. If you read this, whoever you are, tell me what makes you happy and maybe I’ll try it.

Also, getting an actual life would probably help a lot. Put on a mask, walk around, and get some vitamin D. Maybe accomplish some stuff and pump up my serotonin. Gods know I need it.

Somewhere in there should probably be giving fewer fucks what people do. Okay maybe not people. People I care about. Sound stupid? Yeah well, it’s not if you have context.

“Context is the difference between having context and not having context.” -Someone very wise.

You see, I get obsessive when I get close. I focus all (or most of) my energy on that one person, and when I don’t get that energy back, or I feel like they’re giving it to someone else, I feel betrayed. I’m starting to think it’s a bad idea to put this out because too many details, but I’m also pretty confident that nobody will give a fuck if I do, so I might as well.

This isn’t going to be hard to edit, because I’m not going to edit it.

I’m trying to learn how not to give a fuck about the people I give a fuck about not giving a fuck about me. How do I do that? How do I not get hurt and angry every time they do something they know will hurt, or something they don’t know stings? How do I take this weight off my chest? How do I stop trying to make them care?

This was supposed to be about focusing on myself and somehow it came back around to wanting to be acknowledged and understood by other people. Maybe the right course of action is to stop caring about people all together. Maybe it would be a lot easier to understand myself if I didn’t try to understand anyone else. Maybe I’d acknowledge my own strengths and needs and everything in between if I didn’t care about or acknowledge anybody else. Maybe hood up, head down, all by myself is the way to go. Who knows?