Episode: Captain Vagine Face
Fulton, Kurt, Erik, Bleu, and Lauren are all seated in Fulton’s car. Bleu is riding shotgun and Kurt is in the middle of the back seat. They’re all munching on hamburgers except for Erik who is dipping fries into a shake, and Fulton who’s driving and eating a salad with one hand.
Lauren: So I’ve got this auction thing for the ladies golf team on Thursday night and I could use some help setting up.
The Guys all let out a collective groan.
Kurt: Not another one of your events Lauren.
Erik: Seriously, always with the balloons and streamers, it’s like you’re following every twentieth century nuclear family standard for party decorations. Think outside the box for once in your life Lauren.
Fulton: I just can’t stand how you micromanage the hell out of us.
Bleu: Yeah, I’d rather go to Disneyland than help you set up for your stupid auction.
Everyone pauses while his comment sinks in.
Bleu: (laughs a little) yeah I mean I’d rather go to Disneyland than sit there folding napkins for hours.
Kurt: What’s wrong with Disneyland?
Bleu: Nothing! It’s like the coolest place ever.
Fulton: So why would you use it as the alternative in your hypothetical situation?
Bleu: Uh, cause it’d be way better than setting up Lauren’s stupid fundraiser.
Lauren: Yeah but you’re supposed to pick something you really wouldn’t want to do. You know to show just how much you don’t want to do the first thing.
Bleu: Why would I choose something else that would suck? Are you guys saying you’d really rather not go to Disneyland than Lauren’s thing?
Kurt: No. Do you not know how to use sarcasm? Look like this: Man Lauren’s party is gonna suck so bad, I’d rather sit on a chair made of used AIDS needles.
Lauren: Hey! Ok come on…
Erik: AIDS needles aren’t even a thing.
Bleu: What? That sounds way worse than Lauren’s party, why would you ever want to sit on a chair of AIDS needles.
Fulton: He wouldn’t. It’s a joke that just shows how little he wants to help with Lauren’s stupid party.
Bleu: Guys Disneyland is awesome…
Erik: He doesn’t get it.
Bleu: No you guys don’t get it. Raise your hand if you’d rather go to Disneyland than help out with Lauren’s thing.
Slowly one by one they all raise their hands in the following order: Erik, Fulton, Kurt, and Lauren.
Bleu: (Takes a bite of his burger, then mutters) AIDS needles, please.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS.
Kurt is lying on his back on the couch in his apartment tossing a basketball off the ceiling. After a few tosses he misses it and it rolls away. He halfheartedly reaches for it and quickly gives up. Just then Erik comes in the front door.
Erik: My bro! I’ve got some good news my friend.
Kurt: (unenthusiastically) oh boy.
Erik: Guess what it is.
Kurt: Your moms are getting a divorce and now you get two bedrooms?
Kurt: Then I give up.
Erik: I got you an audition.
Kurt: (sitting up) Seriously?
Erik: (proudly) yup.
Kurt: Dude that’s awesome what’s it for?
Erik: Oh just a little independent film the Arts Council is supporting. It’s a Sundance film and in return for their support the council demanded that a certain number of parts be given to local actors.
Kurt: That’s amazing thank you man.
Erik: (spreads his arms out for a hug)
Kurt: (shakes his head)
Erik: It’s ok for two dudes to hug, Kurt.
Kurt: (keeps on shaking his head)
Erik: I could call up the casting director, tell her you’re not interested…
Kurt: You wouldn’t.
Erik: yeah… I wouldn’t…
Kurt: You know you probably could have gotten me to hug you just then if you’d stuck to your threat.
Erik: Really well then maybe I’ll just call…
Kurt: Too late.
CUT TO Bleu out to lunch with Fulton at The Pie Hole Pizzeria.
Lauren: Guys, ladies golf auction Thursday. You guys gonna come help me set up?
Bleu: I’d still rather go to Disneyland…
Fulton: Enough. Yeah sure Lauren we’ll help.
Lauren: Thanks guys so much.
Bleu: One condition though. We’re in charge of decorations, music, lights, the whole works.
Lauren: It’s a high school fundraiser auction not a rave Bleu.
Bleu: Same principle. Deal or no deal?
Lauren: Fine it’s a deal, but no black lights. I don’t want to know what’s all over the floor of that gym. Our PE teacher just got arrested for statutory rape.
Fulton: And you think he did it in the gym?
Lauren: Where else would he do it? He’s the gym teacher.
Fulton: I don’t know, maybe anywhere but a wide open high school gym floor. I can’t think of any worse place to have sex with a minor.
Bleu: I could. You could do it in the police station… or in front of her parents.
Fulton: (sarcastically) touché.
Lauren: You guys have never wanted to do it on a hardwood floor. (looks whimsically like she’s daydreaming) and it’s all hot and squeaky.
Fulton: God no. That’s disgusting.
Bleu: I have done it in a high school gym…. It was ok… slippery though, not squeaky.
Lauren: huh… (considers this new information)
Fulton: This is educational and all, but I’ve gotta get back to work.
Bleu: Yeah those college kids won’t teach themselves about the finer points of the semicolon.
Cut to Kurt and Erik at the studio they’re stopped and looking at a sign that says, Captain Vagine Face auditions. Kurt is looking disappointed and Erik is smiling happily at the sign. Several auditioning actors are sitting in the waiting room reading over scripts.
Kurt: Captain Vagine Face?
Erik: Yeah, I know right. So great.
Kurt: What’s it about?
Erik: A space captain who has a vagina for a face.
Kurt: Ah, (as if this was unexpected and explains a lot.) I see.
Erik: Yes, well I’m helping the casting director in there, so here are your lines, we’ll call you in in a few minutes.
Kurt: Erik hang on…
Erik ignores him and walks in the room.
Kurt sits down on a chair near a nervous looking actor who strikes up a conversation.
Actor: Psst. You auditioning for the lead?
Kurt: It would appear so.
Actor: Me too. Good luck.
Kurt: Thanks, any tips on how to capture the personality of someone who has a vagina for a face?
Actor: Well, I shouldn’t help the competition but… ok. (he leans in and speaks quietly) The trick I think is to try and sound like you’re talking out of a vagina.
Kurt: Out of a vagina?
Actor: Yeah… like vagina noises mixed with speech.
Kurt: Ok. Yeah… I don’t know though… you don’t think that’s like going a bit too far.
Actor: No, no not at all. Here listen. (starts reading from the script in an awful spitty sucking slurping voice) ‘Mr. Clit! Set the Vibro-Stim to Maximum velocity!’
Kurt: Wow that does sound like a vagina.
Actor: Brilliant isn’t it? I’m so nervous; I really hope I get cast….
Cut to Bleu and Lauren at the gym floor at the high school.
Lauren: I don’t know what you need to see. It’s not till Thursday night.
Bleu: I just gotta get the dimensions for my gear.
Lauren: Gear? No Bleu this is just a dinner to raise money for the ladies golf team. Nothing extravagant. Just some tables and golf themed decorations alright. Streamers and one of those cakes with an edible picture of the LPGA logo made of frosting.
Bleu: Lauren what do you think this is? You’re the ladies golf team coach, how many girls even play, two? You’re not football, nobody cares about you. Probably these girls parents wish that they were busy getting pregnant instead of wasting their time playing putt putt mini golf with the part time human sexuality teacher.
Lauren: Health… it’s called health class, and I’m not part time, I’m the faculty representative on the student council. (indignant sounding)
Bleu: Whatever Lauren, but if you want these parents to shell out for new mini skirts…
Lauren: golf skirts
Bleu: and topless hats.
Bleu: and polo shirts
Lauren: you actually got that one right.
Bleu: Then you need to wow them. You need to make this auction the high school fundraising event of the year.
Lauren: Ok, can I just show you the slide show I made?
Bleu: Dear god Lauren… A slide show?
Lauren: yeah from last season, kind of a trip down memory lane kind of thing.
Bleu: (Sighs) Yeah I guess so… let’s see the damage.
They watch on lauren’s laptop the pictures which start passing of these girls playing golf and posing for pictures in trophies. In each one there is a man in a trench coat and sunglasses hovering in the background.
Bleu: Who’s that guy?
Lauren: What guy?
Bleu: The one who looks like a 1940’s spy.
Show the pictures again. He keeps getting closer and closer to the girls. More in focus.
Lauren: Uh… I don’t know… one of the girls dad’s maybe?
Bleu: I don’t think so. That’s a pervo stalker if I’ve ever seen one.
Cut to the end of the slide show. It’s a group photo and the guy is actually in the picture.
Bleu: Jeez Lauren he’s actually in this picture. How did you never notice this guy.
Lauren: he’s dressed all inconspicuous.
Bleu: Sunglasses and a trenchcoat? It’s like the most conspicuous thing you could ever wear. I think you guys have got a stalker on your hands.
Lauren: Look whatever, when will be a good time to play this?
Bleu: Never, would be a good time to play it Lauren. Slideshows are the worst. Ok? You need to Blow their minds! Shake things up. If there’s one thing I understand it’s spectacle. Now, where are you putting the bar?
Lauren: No alcohol. This is a high school. Bleu listen, I love your enthusiasm, but this just needs to be simple ok? Nothing crazy. And play the slideshow ok!?
Bleu: (looking deflated) fine. Fine we’ll just put up some balloons and a little putting green over in the corner.
Lauren: Good. Good. Hey, did you really have sex on a high school gym floor before?
Bleu: Hell yeah. Jr. Prom.
Lauren: You had sex during your prom? On the gym floor?
Bleu: Well she had this huge wide dress that stuck way far out. So I just lay down on my back like this, (lies down on his back) and she just kind of acted like she was really enjoying dancing alone.
Lauren: (crouches over Bleu) so she just acted like she was getting low? (starts bobbing up and down like she’s dancing)
Bleu: Yeah, and I fit all the way under the dress so.
Lauren: Yeah ok. I can see how that would work. (keeps on dancing low over Bleu’s prone body)
Bleu: yeah, get it. Woo. (starts laughing)
Lauren: Woo! Ha ha. (keeps dancing then stops abruptly looking over)
Camera cut to a class of high school students in their PE clothes looking very uncomfortably on at them.
Lauren: (stands up) And that’s why you wear a condom kids! This has been a message from the health department!
Bleu: What? That doesn’t make sense.
Lauren: Just get up. Come on lets go. (pulls Bleu up and starts pushing him out the door.)
Bleu: (shouting to the students) The real lesson kids is don’t take drugs from strangers unless they’re friends with someone you know.
Lauren: (hissing at Bleu) Go on get out! (now shouting back at the kids) and don’t take drugs from anyone.
Cut to Kurt sitting down on a metal folding chair in front of a desk behind which sits Erik and two other people.
Erik: Kurt let me introduce you to our director Greg, and Janice our casting director.
Kurt: Hi. (then unconvincingly) I’m really excited to be a part of this project.
Janice: Great, well whenever you’re ready, I’ll read you in.
Kurt: Ok. Let me just. Uh (looks up and breathes in and out a few times, mentally preparing himself.) la la la, (makes some slurping noises) ok. Ready.
Janice: (reading from the script) Captain Vagine Face, the Dildites are coming into attack position.
Kurt: (in his regular flat unexcited tone) Mr. Clit, set the vibro stim to maximum velocity. Open the labial hatches and prepare to receive fire.
Greg: hmm. I’m not sure I see it. Could you try to sound more like you’re talking out of a vagina.
Kurt: Like I’m speaking from inside a vagina?
Greg: no… more like your mouth is the vagina. Your mouth is a vagaina. Like your whole face is just one big mouth which happens to also be a vagina. Got it?
Greg: Ok let’s try it again.
Janice: Captain Vagine Face, the Dildites are coming into attack position.
Kurt: (trying to sound wet and slurpy like the guy out in the waiting room) Mr. Clit, set the vibro stim to maximum velocity. Open the labial hatches and prepare to receive fire.
Greg: I’m still not feeling it. I mean. I don’t know I just don’t see you as our Vagine Face.
Kurt: (sounding kind of relieved) Well, that’s too bad.
Erik: You know Greg. His voice I think would be perfect for the antagonist part.
Kurt: Antagonist part?
Greg: Hey, yeah! Turn to page 37. Kurt you’re gonna read for the part of Dr. Octocock.
Greg: Yes, he’s basically a giant cock with cocks for arms and legs. Oh and he has four arms. And his head is also a cock.
Kurt: Ok. (scans the lines) Do you want me to try and sound like a giant dick?
Greg: You kind of already do.
Janice: (reading from the script) You’ve raped my face for the last time Dr. Octocock!
Kurt: Oh no Vagine, I’m just getting started with you. Now prepare yourself, here comes the explosion!
Greg Erik and Janice nod together smiling.
Janice: I think we’ve got our giant dick.
Kurt: (half smiles half frowns)
Cut to Lauren Kurt and Fulton sitting in the living room at the guys’ apartment.
Lauren: I’m just saying that humans think that they’re so superior to animals when they’re not.
Fulton: But we are superior.
Lauren: Give me one way that humans are superior to animals.
Fulton: I don’t shit just anywhere. I shit in a toilet, and I clean my ass with a special paper that is built in factories designed and constructed by other humans with opposable thumbs and advanced reasoning skills.
Lauren: But are you as happy as an animal?
Fulton: How do you quantify something like that?
Lauren: Are you?
Fulton: (Starts to speak then pauses) Ok what about this. You have a gun with one bullet. The world is gonna blow up unless you either shoot a puppy or a baby. Which one do you shoot?
Lauren: A human baby?
Fulton: Of course a human baby.
Lauren: I don’t know…
Fulton: Are you kidding?!
Lauren: I just don’t think it’s right to assume that the baby is inherently better than the puppy. I mean what if the baby grows up to be Hitler?
Fulton: The baby isn’t Hitler ok? Just a normal baby who’ll probably grow up normal, do some good things, do some bad things just like anyone else.
Lauren: But the puppy wouldn’t do any bad things.
Fulton: The puppy won’t do anything! It’ll grow into a dog and shit all over the place, eat out of garbage cans and play fetch.
Lauren: I won’t choose.
Fulton: (makes an explosion noise) The world just blew up Lauren, and it’s YOUR fault for pretending like you have to think about such an obvious choice.
Lauren: You know what… you’re right… I’d shoot the baby.
Fulton: (is about to argue when Kurt walks in) Heyyyyyy! Captain Vagine face himself. Erik told us about your big role.
Kurt: I didn’t get the role.
Lauren: Oh sorry Kurt, that’s too bad.
Kurt: It’s ok… I got another part.
Fulton: Really? As what, Lt. Labia? Colonel Clitoris?
Kurt: Nope, I’m the bad guy again…
Lauren: What’s his name?
Kurt: Dr. Octocok….
Fulton and Lauren both crack up laughing.
Fulton: I knew it. I said it the very first time you told me you were getting into acting. I said, “You’ll wind up doing porn.” I was right.
Cut to Flashback-
Kurt: (enters) Dude I’m gonna be an actor!
Fulton: Awesome! Hey, don’t forget about me when you’re famous! ( they both laugh and then share a brotherly hug)
Flash forward to the present-
Lauren: I remember that. I remember you saying that.
Flashback- Fulton is walking into the apartment and Lauren is playing Jenga all by herself.
Fulton: Hey Lauren.
Lauren: Not right now Fulton!!!!!
Flash forward to the present
Kurt: Alright guys it’s not a porno ok, it’s an (recites from memory) exploration of human sexuality that transcends genre and questions traditional gender roles.
Fulton: Sounds gay.
Kurt: it’s not gay.
Lauren: So what’s it about? Captain Vagine face, who is she?
Kurt: Captain Vagine Face is a dude.
Lauren: So… Dr. Octocock is a chick?
Kurt: No… he’s a dude too.
Fulton: Sounds gay.
Kurt: It’s not gay!
Lauren: So does Dr. Octocock want to like rape Vagine Face’s vagine face?
Kurt: No, he’s built this super mutant cyborg creature called the Cockblocktopus, so he’s actually preventing anyone from pleasuring Vagine Face.
Fulton: Why would he block his own cock? Of which it sounds like he has eight of….
Kurt: (finally giving up on trying to explain it) I have no idea. (he collapses on the couch)
Lauren: Damn, this movie hasn’t even been filmed yet and already I’m questioning everything I ever believed about human sexuality…
Fulton: I don’t get movies like this. I’ll sum up sexuality in one easy phrase, something goes in a hole…. That’s it. Why complicate things?
Kurt: If it’s so simple how come you haven’t had sex in….. (pretends to think about it) Ever?
Fulton: Cause I’m not a porn star.
Lauren: Well I’m not a porn star and I’ve had sex so….
Kurt: Yeah Fulton, Lauren’s had sex, and she’s not a porn star. She’s also not 28 years old which is how old you are…
Lauren: I’m 27…
Kurt: And still she’s managed to have something go in her hole…
Lauren: Several times.
Kurt: Yeah. Several ti… wait really?
Lauren: (looks down) three times.
Kurt: three times Fulton!
Fulton: Alright! Point taken, well then why would I want to watch a movie that makes me question something that I know nothing about?
Kurt: I don’t think 28 year old virgins are their target market.
Bleu: Lauren, I’ve got the stuff for your volleyball thing. (turning to Kurt and adding as an afterthought) Hey there Vagine face.
Fulton: No no, he’s Dr. Octocock now.
Bleu: Anyways, Lauren, do any of your students or their family members have epilepsy?
Lauren: Epilepsy? What are you planning on doing? For the last time! This is a fundraiser dinner, not a rave Bleu.
Bleu: Lauren! I need to know!
Lauren: Yes Bleu! Yes! They all have epilepsy, so whatever it was that you were planning on doing, don’t do it ok? Just simple lights and music alright, it’s a dinner, I need napkins folded like golf flags not strobes and lazers.
Bleu: Ok crazy, calm down. Jeez. Alright….
Fulton: Hey, man how’s the porn coming?
Erik: It’s not a porn. It’s an exploration of human sexuality that transcends genre and questions traditional gender roles.
Kurt makes a gesture as if to say, see I told you so.
Bleu: Yes, that. How’s it coming?
Erik: Just great.
Kurt: (Sarcasticly) Dude thanks for getting me involved in this. This’ll really help launch my career.
Erik: No problem broski. I was just meeting with the costume designer, just wait till you see your getup. You won’t believe what it’s like.
Fulton: Um… is it a bunch of cocks?
Erik: (stunned) yeah? How did you know?
Lauren: The character’s name is Dr. Octocock.
Bleu: So we figured that it would probably be a guy made up of eight cocks….
Erik: But how could you know that there were eight of them?
Kurt: You do know what the prefix Oct means right?
Lauren: Eight, Erik. Oct means eight.
Fulton: How have you gotten this far in life without knowing that? Why do you think they call an octopus an octopus?
Erik: Uh why would they call a giraffe a giraffe?
Fulton: That’s not the point. It’s an Octopus cause it has eight legs. Oct is eight.
Bleu: Wait, why do they call a giraffe a giraffe?
Erik: yeah I bet it’s cause Gir means purple tongue.
Kurt: Purple tounge?
Erik: Yes, purple tongue, Giraffes have purple tongues.
Kurt: of all the defining characteristics of a giraffe you choose the color of their tongue?
Erik: (as if it’s obvious) yeah.
Kurt: And their freakishly long necks are just what? Normal?
Fulton: Guys we’re getting off topic here.
Bleu: Fast walker.
Bleu: (reading from his phone) Giraffe probably comes from Arabic Zarafa which means fast walker… or maybe the Somali word Geri which means leopard cause they both have spots. They got those little horns too.
Kurt: Purple tongues and leopard spots fast walker little horns. Nothing what you guys just said describes a giraffe. If you told someone to draw an animal with those characteristics the result would look nothing like a giraffe.
Bleu: Dude I bet they could.
Kurt: There’s no way in hell that anyone would guess giraffe if you told them those things.
Lauren: (Sticking her tongue out) I always thought that people had purple tongues…
Kurt: Am I the only one here who sees long necks as the most obvious trait of a giraffe?
Fulton: Guys! We’re getting distracted! Let’s get back to what’s important here ok? Lauren has her stupid ladies golf team dinner that Bleu somehow got put in charge of preparing for, and Kurt is some kind of monster with eight cocks.
Erik: he’s right, this is too many tangents, I’m feeling lost.
Kurt: yeah because god forbid that our lives ever revolve around more than two or at most three things at a time….
(There’s a silence for a while so the audience can realize that they’re talking about the show and tv sitcoms in general)
Fulton: (points at Kurt) you’re an evil cock monster.
Cut to the next day, Lauren enters the high school gym where Mr. Mosher the creepy mustached principle is waiting for her. He’s in a bad suit and has wide creepy eyes and a thin mustache. Basically he looks like exactly what you would not want your kid’s principle to look like.
Mr. Mosher: Hello Ms. Jenkins
Lauren: (nervously) Hey there Mr. Mosher, what brings you down to the gym here today. Is it the… (tries to think of something clever) Wood? Is it about the wood. (she stomps on the wood floor) Cause the wood is good, like I always say. Well I don’t always say it, I’ve said it before…. Maybe… twice?
Mr. Mosher: No Ms. Jenkins I’m here about sex…. ual harassment.
Lauren: Oh, ha ha. (still nervous) You paused there, uh. Yes sexual harassment.
Mr. Mosher: I don’t think I need to remind you about what happened to Bob.
Lauren: I remember what Bob did… if that’s what you mean?
Mr. Mosher: Hmmmm yes. (a thoughtful expression on his face like he’s imagining the statutory rape happening) anyways I thought I should warn you that we are under excessive scrutiny from the district. So please don’t cross any lines at your event tonight.
Lauren: Ok… you betcha.
Mr. Mosher: So is there anything I should know about… maybe in your personal life that might spill over… I only ask because I see a man over there putting up what appear to be stripper cages.
(they look over to where bleu is hoisting up a cage attached to a chain. He smiles and nods his head as he pulls it up)
Lauren: That is…. a… giraffe cage….
Mr. Mosher: giraffe?
Lauren: Yeah. Giraffes purple tongues, leopard spots, you know.
Mr. Mosher: Yes and with knobbly horns I know the distinctive features of a giraffe. But why is there a cage for them. Surely a giraffe won’t fit in one.
Lauren: no it’s for a person… kind of like a shark cage… it’s to keep you safe from giraffes and allows you to travel up to their level but they can’t bite you cause of… you know… the cage.
Mr. Mosher: I see. Are the participants this evening in any danger of being bitten by giraffes?
Lauren: Well I thought we could bring one in… to represent… the heights we’re hoping to achieve…
Mr. Mosher: interesting. (he walks away)
Lauren: (goes over to bleu) Stripper cages? Damn it Bleu now I need to get a giraffe in here somhow.
Bleu: No problem. I’ve got a guy for that.
Lauren: You’ve got a giraffe guy?
Bleu: No, I’ve got a piñata guy. But he can do giraffes.
Lauren: Ok so now we need a giant giraffe piñata ok! So get one!
Bleu: I’m on it.
Lauren: And Bleu.
Lauren: No strippers!
Cut to Fulton and Erik out at lunch. They’re at J-Dawgs eating hot dogs.
Erik: Dude you gotta check out some of the special effects for the movie.
Fulton: I didn’t realize that porn had special effects.
Erik: Bro I told you it’s not a porn. It’s an exploration of human sexuality that transcends genre and questions traditional gender roles.
Fulton: Whatever. I don’t want to see it.
Erik: (scoots over and shows him anyway)
The camera shows their reaction only, two girls one cup style. Erik is nodding, impressed, and Fulton looks disgusted but riveted by horror. There is a distinct, trippy, ambient, off beat song playing along with it.
Fulton: God… It looks like a nest of snakes eating each other.
Erik: It’s subtle though right?
Fulton: I think it’s definitely a tangled mass of cocks just… wriggling around… What the hell part of this movie is this for.
Erik: Dr. Octocock shoots this as a hologram into captain Vagine face’s Bridge as a diversion as he sets up his sinister weapon, the CockBlocktopus.
Fulton: It certainly is hard to tear your eyes of off…. Oh god!
Bleu walks in: Hey guys do you wanna woah…. (he stops and starts staring at the screen) This… is… the… trippiest… thing… I’ve… ever… seen. (waves his hand in front of his face). Did I do acid and forget about it again?
Fulton: Nope that’s just Erik’s cockpit.
Erik: Awesome right?
Bleu: yeah… yeah… can I get a copy of that?
Erik: Actually this is a copy so… (taking a disk out of the laptop and hands it to Bleu) knock yourself out.
Bleu: Sweeeeeeeet. Hey do you guys want to go get a life-sized giraffe piñata with me?
Fulton: Kind of…
Erik: Can’t boys, I gotta get Kurt to the studio. It’s costume fittings today.
Fulton: Make sure you take pictures.
Bleu: yeah make him wave all his cocks around and smile like a perv.
They all laugh and get up and leave revealing a man who was sitting behind them looking disgustedly at the hotdog in his hand.
Cut to Erik and Kurt in a dressing room where Kurt has on the Dr. Octocock costume. Erik is grinning and Kurt frowning. Just a depressed angry look on his face.
Janice comes in: Kurt you’re already in character great, look can I get you out on set for some framing shots?
Janice (smiles) That voice, how do you do it? You sound like such a dick!
Erik: He’s had lots of practice.
Cut to Bleu and Fulton at the piñata guy’s place. Pinata guy is an Asian dude.
Fulton: So… how long have you been making pinatas?
Piñata guy: Verry rong time. (super Asian accent)
Fulton: I bet I bet… you used to make them back in uh… china… or wherever it is you’re from?
Piñata guy: yes. I best piñata maker in arr of hong kong.
Fulton: well that’s a tough market I hear…
Bleu: so we need a giraffe, life sized.
Piñata guy: Giraffe? My engrish not so good. What is giraffe?
Bleu: It’s an animal. Lives in Africa.
Piñata guy: I don’t know. What is it rook rike?
Bleu: leopard spots. Hooves. Uh it’s got horns.
Fulton: (nods) yeah long purple tongue.. oh and a tail with like that tuft of hair at the end. It’s legs are kind of like a horses I think…
Bleu: yeah they are.
Piñata guy: Ok I can make. Come pick up rater.
Cut to Lauren at the high school gym. Lauren is greeting players and their parents as they come in.
Lauren: Monica! Hey there Mr. and Mrs. Jones, thanks so much for coming, go ahead and sit on down. We’ve got a great night planned. Don’t forget to go up in the giraffe cage. Ok?
Pan over to show the life sized giraffe piñata which looks nothing like a giraffe. It’s huge, and you can see a person riding the stripper cage up to the head. It’s got bulls horns and a huge long purple tongue and is leopard spotted with horse like legs.
The parents and girl move on and Lauren smiles nervously. Then from outside in walks the stalker trench coat man from the slide show. He’s dressed the same way, sunglasses and everything.
Lauren: (Frowns and moves to cut him off so that he can’t get in) Uh sir, you can’t be here.
Man: I’m sorry?
Lauren: Look I’ve seen you lurking around ok, and unless you want your ass sent to jail you stay away from my girls. This school has had enough sexual harassment problems for one year ok?
Just then one of the members of the ladies golf team approaches and says: Hi Dad, hey coach.
Lauren: (Freezes mortified) I um…. Uh… I thought that… uh… enjoy the dinner.
The man and his daughter walk away.
Cut to Kurt and Erik back at the studio.
Kurt: Where’d the costume lady go, I wanna get out of this thing.
Erik: oh she went home.
Erik: Yeah something about leaving a chimichanga in the oven…
Kurt: Well how the hell am I supposed to take this off?
Erik: Let’s see… (he starts searching the costume)
Kurt: There’s gotta be like a zipper or something.
Erik: How’d she get it on you.
Kurt: I don’t know, I can’t see shit out of this thing.
Erik: Look we don’t have time for this. I gotta get over to Lauren’s dinner thing. I promised I’d make an appearance.
Kurt: You’re going to that thing?
Erik: Kurt you know I support local female athletics. All the funding goes to boy’s football. It isn’t just.
Kurt: God damn it.
Erik: Look just get in the car. Alright? I’m gonna pop in at the dinner, show my support and then we’ll get home and take you out of that costume ok.
Kurt: Fine but hurry up. I gotta take a leak soon or I’m gonna drown in here.
Cut to the dinner.
People are eating awkwardly at the tables, as Bleu spins trance music from his DJ’s station. Fulton is standing by Lauren grinning.
Fulton: quite an event Lauren congratulations.
Lauren: (looking miserable) I can’t believe I let Bleu help me set up for this. Look can you go over to the computer and put in the cd. It’s time for the slide show. I’ll go get bleu to stop playing.
Fulton: Sure. (he goes over to the laptop that’s hooked up to the projector and sees two cds there. He picks one and puts it in the drive.)
Cut to car pulling up the school
Erik: Ok we’re here.
Kurt: Hurry up man ok? I’m gonna piss in this thing if you don’t hurry.
Erik: Fifteen minutes tops.
Kurt: FIFTEEN MINUTES! NO! You have Three minutes or I swear I will piss all over myself in this thing!
Erik: I’ll be back in five. Ok? I swear.
He leaves the car and Kurt screams: HURRY. Then whimperes to himself.
Cut to inside of the gym. Erik walks in.
Lauren is standing up on the stage with the microphone.
Lauren: Well what a year we had last season huh? Give these girls a hand.
The crowd obliges her.
Lauren: I feel very fortunate to coach this ladies golf team. We’ve got some serious talent with us and I couldn’t be more pleased with everything these amazing girls accomplished. We’re gonna kick butt again this year, but first let’s take a look at everything we went through last season. Fulton go ahead and press play.
The music stops and the special effects disk from Captain Vagine Face starts to play. The crowd reacts in horror and starts screaming and gasping and whatever. There’s someone up in the giraffe cage crying. The stalker looking dad is nodding with a weird smile on his face, his sunglasses are still on.
Cut to Kurt out in the back of Erik’s car, crammed back there in his costume.
Kurt: I can’t hold it in any longer. I gotta go. I gotta piss.
Show him struggling to squeeze out of the car from outside. It takes a while.
Cut to the inside of the gym. The horrifying video is off and Lauren is getting yelled at by a bunch of angry parents and Principle Mosher.
Mr. Mosher: What did I tell you Lauren. We can’t afford any more scandals like this!
They all stop talking when Kurt bursts in in his full octocock gear.
Kurt: Gotta piss, gotta piss, gotta piss… (pauses) is that a giraffe?
Bleu and Fulton share a pleased look: HA!
Cut to everyone at the apartment. Lauren walks in and sits down on the couch after grabbing a drink from the fridge.
Kurt is sitting quietly looking horrified.
Lauren: What’s the matter with Octocock?
Erik: He pissed in his suit.
Fulton: Did you get fired.
Lauren: Nah, I blamed the video on a student of mine. He’s got that syndrome where he compulsively draws dicks on things.
Bleu: And what about Dr. Octocock showing up? How’d you get out of that?
Lauren: Pretended I didn’t know him. Just said he was some random dick.
Fulton: He sure is Lauren… he sure is…
Kurt just sits there hugging his knees to his chest.
End of the show like an after the credits spot maybe this is optional. Lauren wakes up in a chair hear head all fuzzy. On the table in front of her there’s a toy pistol which she picks up confusedly. The room is dark. Blankets have been hung over the windows and there’s a bright light shining over the table.
Suddenly in front of her pops up a toy baby doll and a stuffed animal puppy. She screams and fires the gun.
The camera zooms in on the baby with the rubber suction cup dart stuck to its forehead.
Fulton: huh… I guess she really would kill the baby.