I Became a Delicious Meal

My mom sent my sister and I an email one day with the title “Spa Day on me?” I don’t think I have ever opened and responded to any email faster. If my husband had sent me an email with “We Won the Lottery” as the subject it would have sat for at least a few seconds.

Anyways, my mom, sister and I went to a fancy spa in town. This was not my first time at a spa, I knew the drill, choose the best services I can get that don’t involve words like stretching or aggressive or deep tissue. I went for a custom massage and an avocado mud treatment. My sister opted for an aggressive facial which promised a new face at the end. I was worried her baby might not recognize her after...

Alright, now here is where I start to sound a little crazy… I have a theory that people that work as masseuses have a 6th sense, the sense being that they can hear my thoughts. Yes, I know that is absolutely insane but when you tap into real meditation, shit gets real.

Flash forward to my massage. I meet “Jane” in “The Serenity Room” and head to my massage room. We chat a little and then she explains the normal stuff: Lie on the table with your head in the doughnut and cover your ass with that sheet.

I comply quickly eager to get my relaxation on. “Jane” comes back in the room and goes to work. After about 5 minutes I start thinking “Jane” is a REALLY heavy breather. Then, that is all I am thinking. Geez “Jane” I know this is hard work but do you have to pant on me? Calm it down up there. Of course, in the back of my mind I’m thinking: “She can hear your thoughts switch topics”! After another 5 minutes “Jane” calmly says, “I’m sorry, am I breathing too loud?”. THEORY PROVEN! I think I croaked out “No” but I was FREAKED out the rest of the time and tried to think about hiking trails and work. Both very relaxing topics. Hey, everyone has their own version of relaxation ok?

My sister, Mother and I met for lunch and I told them what happened. Neither were phased in the least. Assholes.

My next appointment was the avocado mud treatment. I was pumped. I had figured out this massage therapist secret and they were not going to get me again.

What happened next is what I imagine a breast of chicken feels like as it is lovingly prepared. “Judy” picked me up from “The Serenity Room” and took me to my treatment room. She explained that I was having the avocado mud treatment which was her favorite to give because of all the smells. “It is just like summer”. I laid down on the table face up and covered myself with a towel. “Judy” came back in and started by turning on the heat lamps and table heat. OK, its only August in Texas. A little heat can’t hurt me.

She then rubbed me down in avocado “mud” which was more like a cream sauce. After she finished the application she quickly wrapped me in plastic to “marinate”. While I was “cooking in my own juices” (bleh!) she rubbed my scalp with lime oil. OK, now we have gone too far. I am not actually a chicken breast… but wait, there is more.

Once I finished marinating I was rinsed and returned to the heat lamp table and rubbed with avocado oil which I can only assume was to crisp my skin. The service completed and I felt violated and a little like guacamole. I went downstairs and showered IN A PUBLIC (sort of) SHOWER!

My sister came back with her new face (only lightly maroon)and asked if I was alright. At this point I was ready to jet.

That Saturday I experienced having my thoughts read and became a delicious Tex-Mex entree and guess what? I cannot wait to go back.