I am Leah

The controversy over the xojane article “My Former Friend’s Death Was a Blessing.” has been ringing in my ears since I first read it, and I finally think I have the words to respond to the article, the concepts it covers, and so on.

The article, written by Amanda Lauren, has been removed and replaced with an empty apology, despite the fact that, in an interview with DailyDot, she stated that if “she had to do it all over again, she would have published the article anonymously, but she wouldn’t change the words, or even the title”. In a separate interview with Gawker, she tried to play the victim, discussing how overwhelmed she was by the negative responses, and even death threats, she had received.

I am going to be one of those negative responses.

“My Former Friend’s Death Was a Blessing”, subtitled “Some people are so sick, they are beyond help”, discusses the suicide by drowning of a past acquaintance of Amanda’s. This friend, who is given the pseudonym Leah, suffered from schizoaffective disorder, a disorder classified by traits of schizophrenia along with the presence of a mood disorder such as bipolar disorder or major depressive disorder. Amanda believed Leah’s schizoaffective disorder was the reason that Leah’s “inevitable” “death wasn’t a tragedy, her life was [the tragedy]”.

Throughout the article, she critiques Leah’s promiscuity, messiness, and other mundane flaws, saying that “schizoaffective disorder robbed her of reaching her potential”. She goes even further, stating that “[Leah] had nothing to live for” and that, had she not committed suicide, “she would have either been institutionalized or a major burden on her family. There was just no way she would have survived on her own”. As if this was not already repulsive, she goes on to state that “Drowning to death was relatively painless compared to what she had to endure in life”, and that in her suicide, “schizoaffective disorder was the hand that kept her head below water”.

It all comes back to Leah’s schizoaffective disorder, a disorder that affects approximately 0.3% of the population, including Leah, and myself. Living with untreated schizoaffective disorder was one of the most physically and mentally torturous experiences I have ever lived through. The way my life seemed to be getting worse and worse, like a snowball effect into the pits of hell. Hearing things, seeing things, constant paranoid delusions that caused me to turn on some of the people most important to me, it was horrible.

But, people reached out to me. My friends, my significant other, and let’s not forget my lovely mother, all reached out to make sure I was okay, to check on me when I wasn’t acting like myself; because of them, I got the help I needed. It’s still not easy, but it’s tolerable, and I can live with my disorder as a part of me, not as the entirety of my being. I still have my bad days, but I have people who love and support me through them.

So, Lauren, you knew that something was wrong with Leah, you knew she had schizoaffective disorder, she was suffering, you admit that you knew something was wrong with her, but you thought “she was trouble” and there was nothing “positive” about being her friend. Well, let me tell you something, that’s not what any decent human being would be saying, and I’m disgusted that you would even call yourself her friend at any point in time. Having support is a key factor in getting mental health treatment, and treatment, such as antipsychotics, are incredibly helpful to those with schizoaffective disorder. You claim in your article that “Leah would never be one of those people” who get better and learn to live with mental illness. You’re wrong. Leah could have been happy, and could have lived a strong and happy life, if it wasn’t for people like you insisting that mental illness is a sin and barring people from getting help with your ideologies on mental health. Obviously you’ve never suffered from a severe mental illness, so I really think it’s best you learn to keep your mouth shut and let those who belong to the mentally ill community speak.

Lauren, you’re an absolutely atrocious person, and you should be feeling much worse than you do for the horrible things you said. I want you to know that reading your article was the first time in my life that I ever felt like a lost cause, like a burden on those I loved. I felt like Leah. But after looking over what you said, and how horribly misinformed and twisted you were in writing this article, I embraced it. I am Leah. I am fighting the fight against mental illness, against stigma, and against everyone who will look down on me for my mental illness. I am fighting against you, Lauren. You are the embodiment of what is wrong with the way society views mental illness, and I hope someday you can see how misguided you are for using the death of an innocent woman to get you shock value clicks on an article that should not exist.

For those of you suffering with mental illness, there is hope. There is hope in me, and in you, and in all those people that you love. Everyone who suffers, there is a better tomorrow out there, a tomorrow that people like Leah would have loved to see. Talk to someone, anyone, and let people help you, even if it’s hard. I promise it will be worth it, the world is, and always will be, worth living in.

Also, Lauren, in regards to the question you pose in the beginning of your article: “is it ever okay to admit you feel it is a blessing when someone dies young?”

The answer is no.