It’s crazy to think about the situations I thought were real problems I had in high school. They seem so incredibly insignificant compared to the crossroad I’m faced with currently. This post is a piss poor attempt to try and convince myself that being a communications major is really something I want to pursue. Just like high school, I know someday I will stumble across this post and laugh because this problem right now will be insignificant to the problems I will face later on. I don’t know what provokes this train of thought in me, but movies have a lot to do with it. Doesn’t matter whether I can even relate to the movie or not, but it always does an incredible job at making me realize my indecisiveness about everything. I like to think I am an adult sometimes- hell, what college kid with a car and a job doesn’t? We like to think we have shit figured out because we make semi-important decisions about our lives sometimes but we really don’t know the first damn thing about being an adult-at least I don’t.
I’m a procrastinator, plain and simple. I get it from my dad. That and my overwhelming sense to provide for those that I love unconditionally. I hate it. Not the providing thing, but the procrastination. Everything I ever do is pushed off until the last second. Hell, even right now I am pushing off reciting a speech I have to give in 8 hours that I’ve had over two weeks to memorize. I once failed to write a paper for my midterm grade in English class my senior year just because I didn’t open my laptop until 1:30 and it was due at 8. I told myself before my first day of college classes that I would be better. That I wouldn’t push shit off the way I do. But just like anything else I do, I say “well maybe next assignment” or “I still have a day.” It’s honestly the one thing I genuinely hate about myself, I’ve just never said it before. Other than that, I love myself. I love myself and who I am so I can love others. Without the capacity to really feel empathetic for yourself and truly love yourself, how could you possibly think of giving your love to someone else? I never quite understood how that works and I still see it everyday. I love someone. I love them more than I’ve ever loved myself. Think what you may but I would do close to anything in the world for her- and it really makes me think. Not the day-dream kind of thoughts, but keep you awake at night kinds of thoughts. The “I see a real future with this girl” thoughts. The thoughts that make you question every decision you make from there on out. It’s bittersweet.
To be completely honest with you, whoever you may be, the future scares the shit out of me. I have no fucking clue what I am doing with my life. Am I in the right major? What jobs are available to me with my degree? Is it something I want to do for the rest of my life? And finally, the scariest thought for me- will whatever I end up doing provide for me and my family? Without a doubt this is the girl I want to marry and have kids with. But there is so much reality in that. Relationships cost a lot of money. Weddings cost a lot of money. A house is a lot of money. Kids cost even more money combined. I never want to worry about money. Although I have had a very fortunate childhood, I have seen what money can do to relationships. She says she wants 6 kids. Yeah, it’s fun to say, but the precautions of having 6 kids is enormous. Even with my dad being a doctor, I could see growing up that money was always a concern. I can’t imagine the financial strain our relationship would constantly be under if I had a job that didn’t pay enough to care for all of my children. That’s where that overbearing sense of providing is again. What I’m trying to say is this- I don’t want to make the wrong decision. I don’t want to fuck up. I want to give myself and the ones I love the best future I can imagine. I’m not afraid to mess up for me, I’m afraid to mess up for others. I just hate not knowing what the future holds.