The Monkey-Eating Eagle
Bartleby’s Famous Quotations #473:
“Hit the deck!”
The natives of the Philippine rain forest don’t like to talk about it (1), but a silent killer stalks the skies and also the trees and sometimes the river…
No, it isn’t heart disease — it’s the monkey-eating eagle. (2)
Weighing in at approximately 14 pounds (3), this massive beast is known for its Phyllis Diller-like facial feathers (4) and for cruelly targeting nature’s clown, the merry monkey. (5)
Swooping over the treetops like he owns the place, this merciless predator is actually one of the world’s most endangered birds of prey, sought after by hunters and fast food magnates alike for its delicious, monkey-fortified breast meat. (6)
Besides monkeys, the feathered fascist also preys on fruit bats, birds, squirrels, snakes, and anything else it can catch, including monkeys.
Conservationists are optimistic that continued hunting and destruction of its habitat will rid the world of the Philippine eagle’s ugly anti-monkey agenda in the next few years. (7)
Cliff’s Notes: Given the chance, I’d happily eat a Philippine eagle, if only to teach its babies a terrifying lesson about primate solidarity. Legend holds it is not a crime to eat this country’s official eagle, unlike some places.
Bartleby — out… in the wild!
(1) To my knowledge — I don’t speak Philippine rain forest.
(2) [Latin name here.]
(3) [Kilometers here.]
(4) ? — Ed.
(5) This bird was known as the monkey-eating eagle until 1978, when pressure from the Millennials led to its name being changed to “the Philippine eagle.” La-dee-da.
(6) Actually deforestation. — Ed.
(7) No part of this is true. — Ed.
