Some Concerns Regarding Imminent Parenthood

What if the baby doesn’t like me?
What if it IS like me?
What if it won’t sleep?
What if it won’t eat?
What if it feeds on dreams, reducing its victims to gibbering madness?

What if the baby steals my identity?
What if it’s rude to service staff?
What if it’s born with a dangerous birth defect, like a jetpack?
What if it thinks Tyler Perry’s popularity warrants critical acclaim?

What if the baby is a fascist?
And if it insists that All Lives Matter?
What if it prefers Kanye’s later stuff or refuses to divest from the fossil fuel industry?

What if the baby disembowels its prey with its vicious dewclaws?
What if it says “literally” when it really means “figuratively?”
Okay but what if the baby has a gun?

What if the baby decides to go vegan before I’m ready even though veganism is the morally superior choice and I’m supposed to be setting a good example?

What if the baby is actually thousands of spiders?
What if it has uncontrollable laser vision?
What if it can control its laser vision but chooses not to?
What if it only accepts bitcoin?

What if the baby moves from planet to planet, harvesting all resources and leaving only desiccated husks in its wake?

What if the baby is super into body sculpting and talks about it all the time while flexing, even when we’re at lunch or just hanging around the house?Who is the baby trying to impress?
I’m not impressed with your lats, baby.
Shut up about your gains, baby.

What if the baby is the internet in a trench coat and I don’t realize until it’s too late?

What if the baby realizes how little I actually know about everything?