A Letter to a Nervous Atheist From God
It’s me, God. Glad to hear from you. As you said, it’s been a while. It’s all good, not everyone has time for me these days, although a lot more seem to since last year. Go figure.
I appreciate the organized requests, you have no idea how many people just talk to me without a plan, blather on for however long and by the time I realize I should be taking notes, I’ve already missed whatever it is with their aunt and something about the Jets.
For future reference, in case you ever get the hankerin’ to talk again, I don’t really care about format. In a list, on your knees, on the john, in your car, via Medium, sliding into my DMs, whatever works for you. I don’t typically reply directly, but I like your sass, so here goes:
- Re: Jeff Sessions boosting your weed. Look, Jeff Sessions and I are not exactly simpatico, so I don’t have an in with the AG, but if I can at least reassure you: I’m totally cool with pot. After all, it is a plant I invented. As we’ll address in a minute, I knew life would suck sometimes. Ergo, weed. If there’s one thing your species needs it’s a little more chill the fuck out and a little less legislating morality. But who cares what I think? I only created the entire me-damn universe.
- Re: Beyonce. I may be King of Kings and Lord of Lords, but Beyonce is still Queen Bee. I’m as pissed as you, but, you know free will and all. Besides, I can only intervene with one award show per year, and I had to make sure Moonlight won Best Picture. Those PwC sonsabitches are hard to get past, but I finally figured out how to do it. A few minutes late, but what can ya do?
- Re: Climate Change affecting only red states. This is a good idea. I’m not big into Karma, but I get what you’re playing at. I’ll see what I can do.
- Re: True Dectective. Honestly, I haven’t even seen it. I’m a little behind on must-see-TV. I’m currently binging Season 2 of Breaking Bad, I’m right after Jesse steals back his RV. I’ve managed to avoid spoilers, even to the point of avoiding my followers who have died since the last episode that I’ve seen aired. And if you spoil it for me, well, I make exceptions to believing in Karma.
- Re: Beer. Actions have consequences. A hangover is my little way of reminding you not to get drunk enough to kill a mother of two by careening your Honda Del Sol across eight lanes of traffic at two in the afternoon.
- Re: Trump shitting himself. I wish this were possible. Trump’s sphincter is tighter than the security around those PwC Oscar envelopes.
- I’ve gotta break your last bullet into a few bullets. Re: the five day work week, racism, Isis, police brutality, lack of empathy. This is a list of things which I blame you for. Not you, Dan, exactly, but like the universal human you. There are only so many things I can control, and the human heart and mind ain’t one of ’em. My advice: get involved in your local community. Organize, speak out, and make sure everyone knows that there are some things people won’t stand for. A Medium post is a good start, but you know, grab a coffee with a friend who disagrees with you or volunteer at a local underserved high school, that’ll go farther, and whether you like it or not, you’ll be doing my work.
- Re: Alex Jones, childhood cancer, dementia, peanut allergies, erectile disfunction, black mold, hurricanes. What can I say? I can start with I’m sorry. I can tell you that sin means defying the order and perfection I pre-ordained and that when you defy order and perfection you are left with disorder and chaos. I can also tell you that a completely just world would have no use for me and I made you because I wanted to talk to you every so often. I can also tell you that you’ll never recognize and appreciate the Light until you’ve lived in the Darkness. But that’s a shallow excuse for Alex Jones.
- Re: yellow jackets. Grow a pair; it’s a bug.
Thanks for writing. It’s never easy to simply state your fears and frustrations, least of all to an entity you don’t believe exists, but for what it’s worth, I appreciate it, and I welcome your next round of questions. And if you find an extra bag of weed in your mailbox, it’s not a mistake. That one’s on me.