I’m Sorry You Feel That Way: A Response to the Newly Uncovered Sexual Assault Allegations Against Me, a Rich and Powerful Man
There are no words to express what I feel in the wake of the allegations that have surfaced in the past 24 hours. However, my publicist assures me that providing a calculated non-apology and casting subtle doubt towards the less provable charges, followed by stepping away from public life to enjoy my significant remaining wealth is a necessary step towards the forthcoming reinvention tour I am already planning for the next 2 to 5 years.
I was shocked to hear the news of these allegations. I assumed, as a Rich and Powerful Man, that my decades-long history of sexual indiscretion would remain under wraps thanks to the significant cultural power I possess. Because I have presented myself as a wholesome public figure, you’ll believe me when I say that many of these allegations are categorically untrue and the rest of them have not been described as I remember them. You must understand that I’m a Rich and Powerful Man and as a result, I perceive every sexual encounter as a consensual one. I have now learned that occasionally, my coworkers’ desire to sleep with me is not completely due to their love and admiration for me as a Rich and Powerful Man, but may also have been influenced by the fact that I was standing in the way of their exit in an open bathrobe.
Although I assured the women that locking the door to my secluded office was to protect us from outside intruders, I now understand that in some limited circumstances a few women may have mischaracterized that action as an attempt to hold them against their will. I didn’t realize that by hanging the deadbolt key on a chain around my flaccid penis, they might feel pressured to give me sexual favors in exchange for a safe escape.
Despite being a Rich and Powerful Man who has made a living in the public eye by being perceptive, or funny, or smart, I mistakenly took the horrified looks on women’s faces while they watched me masturbate fully nude as delighted shock over the size and girth of my Rich and Powerful Manhood.
Thanks to a culture that is constructed on the bedrock of unchallenged patriarchy and devaluing everything women have to offer aside from their physical appearance, I felt it was partially my responsibility to ensure that every woman who worked for me felt beautiful by asking them to disrobe in my private office at a major company.
Because I believe in my power and authority to influence opinions more than I do in societal norms or the humanity of women whose names I barely remember, I believed that forcefully grabbing the buttocks or reaching underneath the dress of a woman with whom I was posing for a picture was a way to show them that I thought they were beautiful. I was sure they would always cherish the story of the time that they felt loved and appreciated by me, a Rich and Powerful Man.
I am sorry for the severe damage that my actions have caused. To me, to my career, to my future employment prospects, to my looming financial ruin from the settlements I know I will have to pay, and lastly to the women young enough to be my granddaughter who mistakenly believed that I was abusing them.
It’s not that I didn’t know that I was using my power over women to get the sexual favors I desired — it’s that I firmly believed that my status as a Rich and Powerful Man would shield me from any blowback associated with taking advantage of women over whose careers I held significant power. As it turns out, I was mistaken, and for that I am deeply regretful.
Because it seems like the en vogue thing to do, I will conflate my addiction to power and sexual authority with real mental health issues like the ones I have inflicted on dozens of women and submit myself to an intensive, weekend-long inpatient treatment program at a luxurious rehab center, during which I will participate in the minimum number of rehabilitation activities that the clinic requires. It’s not that I’m mocking the process, it’s just that I know that I’m not actually addicted to sex. I simply like displaying my power over people and assumed nobody would believe a woman over me, a Rich and Powerful Man. Had I known that any of these revelations would be made public and believed, I would have eschewed procuring sexual favors from interns and stuck to a high dollar prostitute with an NDA, supplemented by my time-consuming pornography habit.
Because I was fired from my powerful job and am unhirable for any profession except national politics, I will be taking some time off to consider the repercussions of my actions and seriously listen to the stories of these women who didn’t know how to take a compliment. I’ll be doing this vital work as my full-time job, from my suite at the Waldorf, from my house in Malibu, and from my villa in Tuscany.
To all the women who stood up, defended me, and shared their stories of not being assaulted by me, I thank you. And while I’m in town would you like to grab dinner? Maybe after we can go up to my suite at the Waldorf and crack open a bottle or two of wine.
I also want to thank Jimmy Fallon for scheduling my next appearance on The Tonight Show for June 16, 2019 during which I will tell my touching, carefully constructed redemption story and Jimmy will jokingly tousle my hair or we’ll play some stupid game that involves me embarrassingly getting raw egg or whipped cream on my bespoke suit. After that, I hope America will accept my apology and give me another high-paying, powerful job.
In this important time, it is critical that we listen to the voices of the women who have been taken advantage of by Rich and Powerful Men like me. It is also important that you find our apologies sincere and significant enough to eventually forgive and reinstate all of the Rich and Powerful Men who treated these women like sexual objects and disposable play toys. Thank you for listening.
Oh! Also, did I mention I’m gay, or was drunk, or whatever? Because I am definitely whichever of those makes you more likely to forget about all of this and let me have my powerful, important position back.