Talking Refrigerators, Bitcoin, and Sexual Assault

The 2018 tech trends article you didn’t ask for.

Did you know that technology was a big deal in 2017? Well, tighten your start-up bootstraps, take off your $9 grocery store VR goggles, and put down your Nintendo Switch for three and a half minutes, because 2018 is coming in hot and you need to get on top of what’s coming.

Here’s what technology looks like in 2018:

1. You don’t even have to work! Just use data!

There’s a lot of data out there and apparently the machines are coming to take our jobs, so take advantage now and just use data! Need to send a monthly report to your boss? Data! Need to follow up on that expense report with Julie from accounting? Data! Need to work up the courage to ask Ray from sales on a date? Data!

2. Some “machine learning” horseshit.

Look, there’s like 200 people in the industry who even know what machine learning means and let’s face it, none of them work for your company, so when you’re behind on a deadline, blame the machine learning algorithm. Or the next time one of your cockamamy marketing strategies falls on its face, make sure everyone knows the plan was written by machine learning.

3. Augmented Reality, for some reason.

Apparently Google Glass is coming back and maybe Apple is making glasses, too. Whatever, as long as I can watch Game of Thrones in the upper right corner of my field of view during the quarterly meeting, I’ll go along with it.

4. Your refrigerator talks now!

You can ask your refrigerator about the weather and how many calories are in a whole sleeve of Thin Mints (674! Not as bad as I thought it’d be!). Or, you can use the more advanced masochism setting that reads you all of Donald Trump’s tweets in real time and uses active listening to repeat your mom’s comments from Thanksgiving about your weight every time you pick up the Ben & Jerry’s.

5. You can pry my bitcoin from my cold, dead hands.

I’m keeping this bitcoin, it’s worth $13,234. $14,612 is a lot of money. Do you know how many talking refrigerators I could buy with $16,533?

6. Have you seen the iPhoneX? Animojis are the future.

I wasted like 4 hours this morning just making my animoji sing the entire soundtrack to “A Goofy Movie.” This is the future of TV.

7. Do you have a podcast? You should have a podcast.

Gone are the days when people daydreamed about Morgan Freeman narrating their life; now they dream about it being narrated by Roman Mars. You could be next.

8. Cultural appropriation is out, cultural INTEGRATION is in.

Even if your whole advertising team is white, it’s not racist if you have an ethnically ambiguous superstar give the Pepsi to the cop, right? I mean, there’s even an asian guy and a black girl in the ad, that’s gotta count for something. We worked really hard to find a black girl.

9. Outing rapey Sales Managers.

Forget about asking Ray from sales on a date, it turns out he pressured a bunch of teenagers into sex in the dressing rooms when he was the sales manager at Forever 21.

10. Whatever Elon Musk just tweeted.

You know what’s the biggest affirmative sign that we’re living in a simulation? That Bored Elon Musk is starting to sound more Muskian than Elon himself.

So there you have it, oh! It’s 3pm, I almost forgot!

11. HQ Trivia

It’s the Trap Trebek! The Bad and Bourgy Barker! The Semitic Sajak! Scott Rogowsky is bae and a trivia god. Also, this is probably actually the future of TV. Use my code ‘kylejbritt’ when you sign up, please! Happy future-ing!