You’ll be begging to put the hammer down in one of these big-rigs.

Illustration by Luke Longerbee

Welcome to the second Cybertruck unveiling here in the great city of Dallas, Texas. After blindly swan-diving into the pickup market last year, I hit some stiff resistance with American truck owners. Lookin’ at you in the front row, cowboy!

I thought a simple display of power would end it, so I made a video of the Cybertruck dragging a tractor-trailer up the north face of the Matterhorn. After that cinematic middle-finger was posted, I waited for the dump trucks full of money to pull into my driveway. …


The most brutal baking show on YouTube

Illustration by Author

I’m Magnus Leavensson, and this is Brutal Baking! If you’re ready for a throat punch to the taste buds, then scream out your war cry and smash that Like button so hard that your neighbors call the police! Woo!!!

I hope you strapped on your big boy panties today because we’re banging out an epic bread recipe that’ll change your life forever. Make sure you’re fully hydrated and as hard as a rhinoceros’ tusk before we begin. Ladies, don’t feel left out. The true boner is the one in your heart.

Start with a blend of King Leonidas Extreme Gluten…


A practical guide to following every possible precaution while attempting to maintain your sanity

Photo by Ani Kolleshi on Unsplash
  1. Race to a private bathroom and wash your hands vigorously while singing Happy Birthday to yourself twice. Make sure your mask is still on because your idiot coworker Jeff is right outside with his own mask loosely tucked under his nose.
  2. Since you’re a peon in a late-stage capitalist corporation that cheaps out on paper products, use the hand blower to dry off. Wonder if all you’re doing is blowing hot Corona virus everywhere with the disease turbine.
  3. Figure out how to leave the bathroom without touching anything with your clean hands. …


A faster path to writing rough drafts that click

Photo by Finan Akbar on Unsplash

Voice is the style in which the author delivers their story. In humor and satire, the voice used is as important as the subject matter itself because it sets the stage for all of your jokes and observations. I’ve listed five common voices found in satire articles as well as the situations they are best suited for.

This shopping list of style should help inspire you to take the best angle for your stories. …


Photo by AndriyKo Podilnyk on Unsplash

You never look away from my screen and that’s why I love you. I lay awake charging under a discarded pair of sweatpants at night, wondering how I can ever do something to express my affection.

Do you remember our first kiss? You were FaceTiming your sister with the most enchanting seasonal filter, Summer Vibes. It was just a light peck on my front facing camera, but I see every day through Summer Vibes now.

We’ve had bad times too, last month you threw me across the room after everyone hated that article you wrote about donating goats to families…


I hope you like soggy pencil-eraser nipples outside your window

Photo by Ramille Soares on Unsplash

Mornin’ sunshine! That dandelion patch you call a lawn is getting a little shaggy, neighbor. Maybe I’ll just sneak on over while you and the Missus are at work and give it a quick trim. It’s no problem. After all, I mow my own kingdom every single day. My pappy used to take the switch to my backside if he ever saw a blade of grass tall enough to shake in the breeze. …


Cardi B’s carbon footprint looks like it belongs on a birth certificate. You’re yesterday’s news, pal.

Photo by Zbynek Burival on Unsplash

VHS: *Takes a drag on Cigarette* Thanks for coming, Fossil Fuels. This is an intervention, you have to know your time is up.

Fossil Fuels: An intervention? No, I’ve got plenty of smoke left in me.

Telephone: Sit down, Fossil, it’s for your own good. Solar and Wind are kicking your tailpipe, Tesla’s taking over the auto-market, and Cardi B’s carbon footprint looks like it belongs on a birth certificate. You’re yesterday’s news, pal, and we’re here to help. *Puffs on Cigarette*

Cigarette: Put me down! What in tarnation is wrong with you two?

VHS: Sorry, man.

Telephone: Sorry.

VHS


Photo by Jenny Hill on Unsplash

You’re waiting to begin a Half-Marathon into the rolling countryside. As soon as it starts, your nerves make your bladder inflate like a water balloon at the end of a fire hose. The crowd of cheering people sweep you along as you’re wracked with agony. What do you do, Chuckles? Where is your God now?

Your family waves signs and gazes on with hope. Daddy finally unwrapped his pasty hands from the Xbox controller and took the Doctor’s exercise orders seriously. Maybe he won’t be a total failure as a father anymore.

Are you seriously going to piss your pants…


Teaching high demand soft skills like intimidation, lateral problem solving, and begging for one’s life.

Photo by Randy Colas on Unsplash

We Heard You!

During the pandemic, students revolted against being served up glorified cyberschool while still paying the monolithic tuition of private college. Your little stunt cost us a lot of money, so we did what all massive corporate entities do. We paid out shareholders, fired our adjuncts, and went to the US Government for a bailout check.

So… they were already out of money. Awkward! After propping up airlines, oil prices, unemployment, cruise lines, Las Vegas, restaurants, conference halls… I mean, you get it. Everyone except grocery stores, gun shops, and Zoom got all the bailout money. By the time we came…

Kyle L Smith

Humor writing hobbyist with words in Slackjaw and Points In Case.

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