Drive On
learning how to live
When I told my family I was changing my college major from microbiology to theatre their faces twisted into a lemony-sour expression of confusion and concern. They’d ask, “Are you okay?” and “How will you ever find a job?” and my favorite: “Are you sure you wanna do that?” I was frustrated to say the least.
Fast-forward five years. I now sit at a desk from eight to five every weekday answering phones and changing rolls of toilet paper in the office bathrooms. It isn’t exactly the job I pictured when Dean Shanda put a diploma in my hand. Looking back it’s clear that my plan for success was perhaps a little too…vague.
For months I beat myself up over this job, saying, “Is this what you worked so hard to attain? Get out there and do something great, you lazy s.o.b.” And I said things like this to myself nearly every day. I became anxious and depressed. For some reason I thought that this was all my life was ever going to amount to; that I wasn’t good enough for anything else. Maybe I was wrong to change my major.
Then I reached the breaking point. There’s always a breaking point. I decided it was time to take back control over my life. I started seeing a therapist to work with me through all the negativity and muck I’d been suffocating in. I signed up for improvisation classes to get back in the theatre scene. I even started hanging out with friends outside of work. Progress.
It took a while, and I’m still working at it, but my outlook is brighter. Out of the fog, I learned to appreciate my education, my job, and myself. Although I’m not in the position I thought I’d be, I’m also not shooting heroin or stealing second-hand televisions from Goodwill. Being here has given me the time I needed to tighten up the vagueness of my career plans and focus on getting where I want to be.
Imagine Eddie Van Halen descending on a beam of light, playing the badest harp solo ever to jiggle your tympanic membranes. That’s what it felt like to discover that I hadn’t ruined my life. On the contrary, I’m doing really well for 23. And studying theatre gave me skills not many possess. I’m actually pretty freaking awesome!
The most important thing I learned from this seemingly endless experience was to give myself a break. I’m human. We all are. We’re all going to make mistakes and we can make those mistakes without worry of being forever branded failures. We gotta remember to breathe.
That being said, I guess I can deal with changing rolls of toilet paper a little while longer. It doesn’t take much time out of my day and when you think about it, I hold quite a bit of power in such a position. I’m very much looking forward to April fool’s day next year ;)
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