You didn’t even read the article

Don’t come in here with that holier-than-thou, what-do-you-mean-I-didn’t-read-the-article?-I’m-literally-reading-it-right-now schtick, because it’s a bit played out at this point, and this is only the first paragraph.

No. You didn’t read the article. If you had, you wouldn’t be reading this, because this is the article that you keep alleging you’ve read. Want to try to explain how that’s supposed to work exactly? I thought not. Oh, you do? Well maybe you should read the whole article before you rush to judgement.

If you had read the article, you’d know it’s a lot more nuanced than what people—who obviously haven’t read the article—are saying.

Look, you don’t need to make excuses. I get it. We’re all busy as h*ck. Who has time to read a whole article before forming deeply held opinions about a subject? Certainly not you. Not in today’s data-driven, dog-eat-dog, diners-drive-ins-and-dives economy. And that’s doubly true when it’s an article that challenges your deeply held belief that you have read this article.

I still respect your position, however. There are plenty of rational explanations for why you might think you’ve read this article, when you clearly haven’t. The most benign explanation is standard déjà vu, but I skimmed the wikipedia page about brain tumors, and seems like some of the symptoms there line up.

But let’s get one thing clear: I am the one willing to engage with ideas, as demonstrated by the fact that I clearly read the whole article, as demonstrated by the fact that I wrote it, as demonstrated by the fact that my name is at the top. Until you’re willing to do the same, you just don’t get to weigh in, simple as that.

We all know you won’t bother reading what I write, so I won’t bother writing it. The next two paragraphs are placeholder for what I would have written. Believe me, if you were willing to put in the time to read it, I would have written something truly amazing, which would have totally convinced you that you didn’t actually read any of this.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Aenean vel convallis ligula. Maecenas ac est euismod, eleifend mauris non, posuere risus. Nullam quis scelerisque quam. Vestibulum dignissim tellus convallis, maximus felis eu, commodo lorem. Aliquam vitae sem mauris.

Nunc urna neque, scelerisque nec mauris vel, ultrices pulvinar tellus. Nam non orci ac eros dapibus efficitur vitae ut tellus. Maecenas egestas bibendum justo vel faucibus. Ut vestibulum, ante tempus consectetur interdum, ipsum dui pharetra nunc, vel cursus diam dolor ac ex. Fusce lacinia sagittis risus. Aliquam lobortis non orci nec tempor.

I know your type. You won’t even bother reading the last paragraph before you rush to say I’m wrong. I guarantee it.