the only ring i want is an onion ring. in my mouth.

As I logged onto Facebook to check my notifications yesterday, one of them was a notification about a post in a large Facebook group about Pinterest, engagement rings, and dream weddings. Which definitely was a great example of the government not spying on me that day because the only ring I want is an onion ring in my mouth.

Growing up, I always wanted a boyfriend (and secretly a girlfriend) and I pretend ‘married’ my kindergarten crush when I was 5, but that was it. When the few friends I had would ramble on about their future kids names and where they would live with their husbands, I felt left out because I never wanted any of those things. “What is your first daughter’s name going to be, Kylie?” “uh….I haven’t thought about that.” And it was true. If I had to give a name, I’d give an androgynous name, a name that I really liked that I would’ve wanted, like Sam, Charlie, or Evan (which, not surprisingly, those androgynous names show up in my scripts more often than not). I was too busy focusing on wanting to become a television star, going to my dance and musical theatre classes and voice and acting lessons every day after school and soon there after, going to Hollywood where All My Dreams Would Come True. (some of them did, others….are pending.) I was too busy for relationships, and when I’d be dating and hooking up while being a teen actor, in college, and after college, most of my partners at the time were not chill with the fact I was career oriented, that I wasn’t going to settle down, and frankly, most of them were shitboxes.

So when my latest partner became my first long-term relationship where it was healthy and no one was being an asshole (at least on purpose), a lot of people asked me if he was The One. After all, he was the first partner I fully came out to and detailed my full sexual history and my orientation, he was the one I could see myself moving in with (which as an only child who has no roommates, that’s a BIG thing) and even more of a huge step, he was the one I could see us collaborating on projects together without us killing each other. Like I said, people asked me if he was The One.

Here’s the thing about The One-there can be a lot of Ones. Just because someone is The One doesn’t mean you completely bend over backwards and lose part of yourself and your ideals to make someone happy. I mean, you do you, but I highly advise against it. Years of being the Cool Girl That Guys Like Yet Treat You Like Garbage And Oh Yeah I Also Like Girls Too But Who Do I Tell This To reminded me that I’m the most independent person with a big mouth. If I don’t like something someone does or If I don’t like you, I’ll say it. So that first Long-Term Future conversation we had, I jumped right in.

“I don’t believe in marriage and I sure as hell don’t want kids.”

It was a relief that he felt the same. This was all before we lived in Trump’s America, by the way, so my whole stance on children was solidified November 9, 2016. But after that first conversation, a weight was lifted. We now look at engagements, weddings, and kids and exchange an “ew.” and then proceed to the nearest bar where we’ll do shots and make out in front of patrons (or a girl will hit on me and he’ll just sip his beer).

Lately, a large group of my closest friends have gotten engaged, which is great! Be sure to invite me to the wedding, I’m super fun (ask any of my friends who have invited me to their weddings, I have a REALLY GREAT TIME). But if you’re expecting a wedding from me, the only wedding I’m gonna have is a wedding of four cheeses in a recipe of Macaroni and Cheese.

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