It’s funny really
How many times I write about the same thing. It’s as if my heart and mind stay on repeat, and never seem to try something new
maybe because it likes to toy with my heart strings
plucking them until the final cord starts to crack
then it breaks
I find myself reminiscing on the past and see how people were not so kind in my life. Men that took advantage of those heart strings and played them too many times. I wonder if they ever felt them snap?
I think about pierce and find myself content, he’s the one that started it all… the trust issues, the anxiety, the why’s, the how could you’s, and the hearbreak. HE is forgotten
I see Joshua and all i can think is was I really in love? or did I wish I was? knowing the things I know now…. I hardly doubt he ever cared for me at all… Just another manipulative game of his, he’s good at those… and he knows it.
A good looking boy with a deceivable heart
All the rest of these boys on my list tell the same lies, talk the same serenities, and repeat the same words that only leave me hunting for more
I’m not ready.
NO one is. And I understand. We live in a generation where hook up culture is praised and being single is strived for. I am stubborn and can’t stand that I have only had two relationships that lasted a month… who were very toxic and the rest only used me for my body.
For most people that is okay.
For me I want more. I want to know that he doesn’t want me for just my body. Doesn’t kiss me on the first date, won’t stick his hand down my pants, doesn’t text me graphic images. I want someone who doesn’t get fucked up every night.
I want to believe that someone is out here for me.
But right now he isn’t. Idk he’s probably just as lost as I am.
Which means I need to accept the reality that I need to be alone. for whatever reason… I have to. I’m not good with that statement, because I know I deserve love and that’s why I try so hard to get it. It’s just not working for me right now. No one is here. And No one will and can step up to the plate
And that’s okay, maybe being alone will help me overcome all the anxiety and stress of feeling not good enough. Work on myself. Stop dating.
Even though I long to have him, he’s not here, and I can’t wait around nor try to force it… it’s doesn’t work
I need to slow down
Take a breath
And find who I am.