Photo by Allan Filipe Santos Dias on Unsplash

Man Changes Relationship Status To A Subscription Model

Kyrie Gray
Jul 3, 2018 · 2 min read

Hey Jessie!

I wanted to write you let you know how amazing last night was. I’m also writing to inform you that I’ve decided to implement a subscription model for the privilege of dating me, beginning on the June 1st. The monthly payments will cover everything from dates, to emotional labor. Now pick the right plan for you!

List of Prices and Rewards

$3.99 a month

One Netflix session a week.

Light chivalry (such as holding open doors).

$9.99 a month

All of the previous rewards PLUS:

I will make 4 morning coffee runs.

One brunch date.

One small romantic gesture.

$14.99 a month

All of the previous rewards PLUS:

Two dinners. One home-cooked and one out at a moderately-priced eatery.

Will reciprocate oral sex.

Acknowledgment of your jokes during group outings.

One medium romantic gesture.

$19.99 a month

All of the previous rewards PLUS:

Public handholding.

Access to my outer circle of friends.

My attendance on double dates.

Six orgasm vouchers.

$49.99 a month

All of the previous rewards PLUS:

Monetary help towards household expenses such as shampoo or food I eat.

Access to my inner circle of friends.

My presence at one of your annual family events.

$69.99 a month

All of the previous rewards PLUS:

Change of my Facebook status to “It’s complicated and profitable”

Matching sweaters to wear in public once a month

The right for your possessions to occupy 20% of my apartment.

One large romantic gesture.

$99.99 a month

All of the previous rewards PLUS:

A 95% monogamist relationship.

Sperm donation to help you acquire a child.

Period or flu sex.

Support for your argument in a fight without asking questions.

$10,000 a month

All the previous rewards PLUS:

Marriage.

Six month respectful mourning period should you pass away before finding another subscriber.

Terms And Conditions

*All dates must be pre-scheduled.

*Unused dates, hangouts, or orgasms cannot be rolled over into the next month.

  • If you cancel our relationship after the 1st of the month the rewards are available until the next pay period begins.

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Kyrie Gray

Written by

Freelancer, comedian, and coffee drinker. Writing nerdy humor, practical advice, satire, and stories. Also draws comics sometimes.