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Words From My Party Top During a Closet Purge

Excuse me; I couldn’t help but notice that I’m in this donation bag. I’m sure this is all a big mistake; you wouldn’t get rid of me. Would you?

GASP! You WERE trying to donate me. How dare you!? You are out of your mind. I don’t belong here with your Sansa Stark Halloween costume. And there’s no way I would ever even associate with these prairie skirts at a closet function. Maybe if you could watch an HBO series without going on a shopping spree neither of us would be in this predicament. Yet you have the gall to put me in here with your odds, ends, and regrets.

Oh I see I’m “not the right fit for you.” You should realize that you’ve never been a good fit for me! I can get any girl into a club, so perfectly do I frame breasts. Oh wait. You don’t have those. Well that’s not my fault. Don’t blame the shirt; blame your mom for not giving you her endowments. Also the jeggings you through n this bag want you to blame her for your childbearing hips. That sound you heard was the clothing equivalent t a high five. We’re cloth, sound waves don’t really carry.

Hey, open this bag, I want to honest. Don’t cry I didn’t mean most of it. Your mom is lovely. You’re lovely. I just wanted a chance to be worn on such a lovely person. You really hurt my ego and made me feel bad, so I lashed out, you know. Wear those plaid shirts if that’s what you love, but I know if you just gave me another chance I could make you feel as confident in yourself as classic T.

I actually get really claustrophobic; can I go on a hanger? Thanks! If you want I can come shopping with you tomorrow. I think with the right pair of pants and heels you’ll see why I deserve precious real estate in your wardrobe.