Kyrie Gray
Writer of humor, spooky things, and history. Subscribe to my newsletter, Guffaw for updates, musings and other fun stuff https://guffaw.substack.com/welcome
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It’s amazing what you can accomplish by getting up earlier

Good morning mortal.

Oh wait, you can’t hear me. You are still ensnared in that web of sleep. Dreaming dreams, instead of pursuing them.

I used to be you. I’d slumber until the last possible second every morning. I was deeply unhappy, as you are. I could never find the time to do anything I wanted. Then I read an article claiming all successful people get up early. I decided to give it a try.

Waking up at five in the morning changed my life. Suddenly I had energy that I’d never had before. …


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“True” facts about the kelpie

Like horses? Well, you won’t like this one. Mostly because it’s not really a horse. It’s a kelpie, a Scottish water spirit. It doesn’t want to trot across picturesque hills with you. It’s goal is to drown you, and everyone you love.

Kelpies lurk in the waters of Scotland, attempting to draw in the unwary. Their favorite victims are children. Today parents might warn kids not to take candy from strangers. Back in the 1800s, mothers would call after their rambunctious children, in a lilting Scottish accent, “Be careful now! And don’t jump on any strange horse’s back just because he tells you it’s alright! …


It takes a lot of work to punish naughty children

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5:00 AM

Time to hit the gym! You’ve got to keep in shape after all. Unlike Santa, children flee at the sight of you. And whips only go so far. This is why you build up that endurance throughout the year so as not to be outpaced by naughty youths.

7:30 AM

Admittedly you aren’t one for high maintenance beauty, but even you like to look good on the most important night of the year. Honestly, you know you were lucky to even get a spot at the horn salon since you procrastinated. Gerstauld is a genius with a file. You know when you leave the salon you’ll look more terrifying than ever. …


Can the detective figure everything out?

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Nancy and the Post-college Existential Dread

She’s got her cap! She’s got her diploma in archaic symbology! Now Nancy has to find the next clue that will help her find out what she’s going to do with her life. It turns out you need a criminology degree to become a detective that others take seriously, so she’s exploring other options. Will she have a future with her questionable major before time runs out?

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Nancy and the False Craigslist Ad

She’s faced haunted houses. She’s faced homes where criminals roamed. But none of them were as terrifying as the falsely advertised apartments available in her budget range on Craigslist. …


Hey everyone!

I know it seems like I’ve forgotten about poor Thanksgiving in my humor, but that’s only because I mostly have. Sorry, but my brain is already thinking of cookies I can bake and ridiculous holiday-themed candles to burn. Which is why there is a whole lot of Yuletide humor this week.

As I said before, if Netflix doesn’t have to wait to push out their holiday stuff, why should I?

Stories

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8 honest mugs to gift your loved ones this season.

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Ella might have convinced me that Santa is indeed a cat.

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If famous dead poets wrote those notifications from apps you ignore.

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Comics that illustrate just how different the holiday experience will be in 2020.

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Classic Christmas stories rewritten for modern times.

Plus as old favorite/non-Christmas-themed one to enjoy:

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Apps invented by fairy tale characters.

As always, thanks for reading and supporting this little humor pub!

Kyrie


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May your holidays me healthy and bright

Time to throw out those old Christmas mugs. This year you have to celebrate the holidays right. And that means getting a novelty cup that captures the holiday spirit with accuracy.

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Images from Rawpixel, altered by author
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Image from Rawpixel, altered by author

At least you’ll pass the time

Usually we embroider positive messages into our hoops or on our pillows. However at the end of 2020, as another national quarantine looms, other quotes are on our minds.

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All images by author
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“Frosty the impenetrable titanium snowman…”

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Frosty the Snow Bot

The children sing and dance around their snowman friend, Frosty, wishing he were real. When they happen to discover a magic hat that brings Frosty to life most of the children are happy to just dance and frolic with Frosty. One teen however, Tom, sees an opportunity. He snatches the hat and patents its magic. In two years he releases the MagicHat™ so others can create a subservient snowman worker for your business. Tom is also clever enough to give the snowman titanium suits that encase their vulnerable bodies. Thus they can now avoid the melting problem.

The armies of magic/AI Frosty Bots do the bidding of those who can afford them. Tom squashes any talk of ethical treatment of seemingly living/thinking creatures by removing the MagicHat™ and making one melt instantly. …


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How one could anger fairies throughout history

Throughout much of history, fairies were not adorable tiny figures, coming into children’s rooms to give them money. Tinker Bell is a modern invention. The fairies who inhabited the British Isles and other parts of Europe were more battle-hardy, dark, and ready to punish humans for the slightest offense. They might strike you blind, cause misfortune, or even kill you. Unfortunately there were quite a few ways to annoy one of The Folk.

Trespass into their territory

Before humans were around, the fairies were said to be the rulers of the land. That changed with early men, and the civilization they brought. If you’ve read Game of Thrones, this is pretty similar to the fate of the Children of the Forest. Because fairies can’t touch (or fight) iron, they choose to live quietly in their own world, only coming out sometimes to cause mischief. Hey, if you were immortal, you might get bored too. So can you blame them? Yet just because they come into our world, doesn’t mean they will welcome you. Wandering into a cave, a grove of trees, or a patch of land that belongs to the fairies without their permission can yield dangerous consequences. Sometimes they may never let you leave, or they will follow you home. If you’re truly unlucky, they will curse you with bad luck. …


Technology and poetry collide to punish the lazy

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I have canceled your
subscription to
Duolingo’s Spanish.

Which you were
probably never going
to actually learn.

Forgive me,
I felt you needed
harsher motivation.

Because you could not workout for yourself,
you probably wouldn’t jog for me.
So keep this exercise app just for our conversations,
and to pay the company.

User, user, learning code.

Did you figure out the node?

What the equation? What the key?

Would make the game work flawlessly?

Listen my subscriber, and you shall hear
a brand new podcast, just for your ear. …

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