Conversations with Myself

So, I’ve been going through hell recently. I realized that I often confine my writing into analytical frameworks, at least what’s visible. I wanted to do a journal just to check in with myself and all those who care about my voice in writing. What’s up?

I’ve been really stressed out about school recently. Something entangled with my anxiety, I feel like school is really easy but also difficult. I also learned recently it has to do with the conditions I grew up in (Urban Underclass, Downtown San Jose). I realized more recently with the guidance of a therapist that a lot of my pain and mental health is deteriorated by ignoring past trauma, often relating to bullying, sexual assault, and issues within school and home.

In this moment, it feels really wonderful to write again, so freely. To just be real, discuss, and pour out the contents of my head. A lot of my anxiety is entangled with both self doubt and lack of confidence, and so in this moment of vulnerability, I hope to find peace.

I also turned 21 recently. It’s alleviated a lot of social anxiety, and I’m glad to be a little tipsy as I write on beer I bought. I realized I’m a complete lightweight who should generally stick to beer. I also don’t love drinking constantly during the week, but when I do, I definitely drink. Beer’s cool, too.

I feel lighter after working through my anxiety today. I hope that leaving my job can build that confidence back. I’m so grateful to exist in spaces where I rarely confront racist microaggressions. I’m so grateful to return to my work within Ethnic Studies everyday. I’m a better person for it.