The Bully
Bullying is one of the most common form of behavior we can find almost anywhere and seen at young age such as siblings or cousins, from schools to the society at large.
Parents see children fight and say that they’ll get over it as they grow up. Some blame the elder child for not giving in to the younger ones by default.
In public spaces like schools, workplace or even on the cyber space, when one gets bullied, they might be told that when something new comes in, their issues will be history.
Recently, I read on the news that bullying is a growing concern in the society (which seems normal because they have been around, but it’s not). Who knows what impact they can have on the individuals?
There are several forms of bullying, one being the overt ones where bullies openly show their displeasure and aggressiveness towards others, while there are those who bully the invisible way in that they make you feel as though you are bullying them when in fact, they are the bullies. Some examples may be the emotional abusers and passive aggressives, where there could be instances when you don’t want to do something but they would make it seem like it was your fault for not letting them do it.
Bullying does not even have to be physical, it can also be verbal and emotional albeit unintentional.
Sometimes jokes may end up being malicious that affect not only our emotions but also our personal development moving forward. For instance, when someone you revere or respect said something degrading or insulting to you, would you choose to let it go, keep quiet or would you confront them?
Some don’t even know they are the bully themselves. To them, it might seem harmless to comment or gossip about others, but turn it around, how would one feel if they hear someone whom they respected talking behind their back, being commented as though they are not worth a dime, making them feel inferior, being passed sexist remarks, belittling their capabilities for their age, experience and so on?
If you have been in such moments yourself, take note, you might have been a bully.
An innocent instance
I used to have a bunch of colleagues who were on great terms with one another. We lunched together, shared our work and personal stories, hung out together and our relationships were pretty good.
However, one of us was pretty forgetful or unobservant, sometimes she even got lost in between conversations. She ended up being nicknamed along the line of being ‘blur’ or ‘muddlehead’.
We would always laugh it off each time someone teased her on her ‘blurness’. Until it became too much.
As time goes by, I realized she was being called names more regularly or even made fun of in normal conversations. It started to feel uncomfortable as the comments towards her became more belittling. When she speaks, she would be taken lightly, as though there was no point in being serious with her. That was the vibes I got, and I soon got uncomfortable enough to stop calling her blur and start paying attention to her words.
She might be blur or muddlehead but she is not dumb. She is great at her job and is pretty knowledgeable in her field of knowledge. In all honesty, she may have felt alright with it because we were long time colleagues/friends and that was how we usually communicated, that we’d always laugh it off, but how comfortable can one get when they are always being in the centre of attraction for the wrong reasons?
When someone keep re-emphasizing your flaws, how would that make you feel? What would be the effect on you even? How long more before you start thinking of the same of yourself?
As I paid attention to her more, I realized she is indeed intelligent, smart and really great at her job with passion and knowledge for many other things including wine and yoga as well. And she has a great sense of fashion and taste for quality in life. I decided that if I value this friend, I would take her seriously and not make fun or belittle her no matter who thinks it was acceptable or just to light up the conversations.
The Point Is
Although some of us will stand up for righteousness and justice when seeing someone being bullied, what happens when there was no one (righteous enough) around? What happens if you have been bullied without others noticing for an extended period of time? What happens if you were the bully but you don’t even know you are one?
What really caught my attention was not the act of the bullies but rather, the consequences towards the acts of the victims. We all know what happens to a person’s confidence, social skills, emotional impact and other intangible effects after being exposed to bullies over time. Would it have helped if they kept quiet about it and try to avoid their bullies or would it help more if they have tried standing up for themselves at all?
The article I read highlighted that the victims rarely dare tell what their bullies have done, and even if they did tell, chances are that they might not even be shown justice.
Why? There are cases of those being bullied in school end up being the ones suspended!
How crazy is that?
It really baffled me and got me to thinking back to the time in a workshop for Women In Violence where we talked about women being bullied at home yet they were sent to a home until proven that they are ready to move on but the violator get to stay at home and lead their normal daily life.
Why do persecutors not face the consequences of their own actions? Why are victims being penalized for suffering?
How we can do our part?
So today, instead of asking the victims of bully standing up for themselves, which perhaps could be something they have already tried, we could look around if we can identify someone in our circle or even family members for portraying signs of being a bully; whether overt or not.
Would you take the first step to stand in between the bully and the one being bullied? So that the bullies realize that they are wrong, and so that the one being bullied felt empowered to stand up for themselves next time it happens again.
How would you tell someone who doesn’t even know that they are showing signs of being a bully themselves? Would it be by telling them that it’s not cool when someone mane condescending comments as jokes, or would you pull that person to one side and sound them out individually? Or we could point out experiences we have had in the past and how we felt, how they would actually feel and how you managed to overcome them?
A confident, esteemed, open person would never do things to belittle others just so that they look better than others. Bullying does not make one more superior than others, if anything, it shows their insecurities more. What looks like a superior stance actually reflects their inner weaknesses.
It takes courage to face up to bullies, but if we know that they are not as strong as we think they are, it makes it easier to confront them or let them pay for their own actions.
If you have any ways to counter bullying acts, please share with us.
Originally published at l3hub.org.
