You’ll break me.

This is how you will destroy me.

It’ll be our first week of college. I’ll be covering my face in too much makeup and burying my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I’ll be shy, but I’ll try to make friends. I’ll be miles away in a foreign city where I know no one.

So will you.

I’ll see you in the crowd and I won’t say anything at first. Eventually I’ll build up enough courage to sit next to you and I’ll say something like, “Hi my name is Lauren” and you’ll awkwardly smile back and tell me your name and we’ll talk.

We’ll have a lot in common. We’ll start planning concerts we want to go to together.

We’ll click instantly. We’ll spend every day together.

We’ll go out with people but you’ll direct conversation at no one but me. I’ll pretend not to like you but my heart will jump every time you say my name.

You’ll need me. You’ll be insecure, and you’ll need me. I’ll see that and I’ll be there for you. You won’t realize it but I’ll need you even more.

2 weeks after our first encounter you’ll come stay with my family and me at our lake house and I’ll steal alcohol for us and we’ll drink too much.

It’ll rain that weekend but we won’t care and we’ll go swimming in the lake at 2 in the morning. You’ll sing for me and I’ll sing with you. You’ll ask me questions about God and tell me how much fun you’re having and I’ll wish the weekend would never end.

After that weekend everything will slowly fall apart but I’ll deny it every step of the way. The longer I know you the more you’ll break me. The more you break me, the more I’ll love you and the more miserable I’ll become with myself.

But you’ll still call. I’ll still be there.

And you’ll start telling me I’m ugly, I’ll believe you.

You’ll call me stupid, I won’t deny it.

You’ll tear my heart into a million pieces and I’ll convince myself I deserve it.

You’ll teach me how to hate myself.

Slowly you’ll pull away. You’ll make new friends and you’ll stop calling me on the weekends. Slowly the text messages will stop coming in and slowly I’ll blame myself.

I’ll spend nights crying myself to sleep and I won’t get out of bed on weekends. Sometimes I’ll think of what you’ve said and I won’t eat and sometimes I’ll work out more than once a day.

I’ll create a fake relationship with someone I’m not interested in. I’ll kiss him when I’m drunk and pretend he’s you.

I’ll wish you a Merry Christmas and I’ll tell you Happy New Years. I’ll call you on your birthday and I’ll try my hardest to keep spending time with you. You won’t care.

Before I know it, the little time we spent together will feel like a lifetime ago.

Even though we won’t talk anymore, when I look in the mirror, I’ll see you staring back at me. I’ll hear you telling me I’m not good enough. I’ll believe it. I won’t think I’m good enough for anyone.

You’ll be somewhere on the other side of town, talking to other girls and singing in your band. We’ll see each other on campus and a casual wave will make us seem like acquaintances.

More than a year after I meet you, I’ll convince everyone I’m over you. Tears will well up in my eyes as I write a story about you that you’ll never read.