on xxi

earlier this year, i turned 21. it felt awkward. i wasn’t sure if i understood what it was/meant to have been around for 2 decades & a year.

today, i feel very distinct – very much like i have changed in a clear-cut way. it’s unnerving & liberating all at once. i’m a little darker inside, a little lighter. much more cynical, much more accepting, much more curious about us human beings. but i’m taking a moment to appreciate myself, all my personal victories & failures over the past few years. all my wars against myself. all the beautiful souls i have met – the ones that have been good or unkind to me. the ones i have loved & the ones i have failed. what i have learned through all this.

i want to meet more people, to have conversations with them, hear their stories, share laughter, feel their aches their bad memories their good ones. i want to travel & feel more things, breathe different air. i want to see, in a way that will enrich me & the ones i love.

i want to write more, bigger, deeper, with more precision. i want to write personally, to touch every gradient of every heart mind body soul that comes to my work – to exchange texture, to overwhelm into a more pronounced level of feeling, of being. i want to awaken, to soothe, to nauseate, to shake, to caress with every word. i do not want to write or speak wastefully, ever. i want traction, gravity, meaning. i want spirit. [what is my message?] i want deeply to be a vessel of Love and healing, to be there for hearts that are wanting.

more than anything, i want to be. without fear or limitations or insecurities. i want to be, in a way that is not self-destructive. i want to be one with every beautiful, holy thing. i want to lose and find myself over and over again in God. i want to be in love, in a way that will not wilt me.

all in all, i am grateful we exist, i truly am. in spite of our darkness, we are still angels, still God’s begotten. & it’s such a blessing to exist. give thanks.

may 2015.