Why I’m scared to write

I love the write. In my head, I’m a great writer, a wannabe author of wonderful books that change the world. In my fantasies I’ve held book tours and had standing ovations. I’ve imagined being quoted by other authors — metaphors that are oh-so-smart, puns that are funny and anecdotes that bring tears to your eyes. The reality, however, is far from all this.

The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared to put down my thoughts on paper. And when I do, it’s always under the cloak of anonymity. You see, I suffer from the ‘impostor syndrome’. Well okay, I don’t really know if it’s actually called that, but let’s just go with it so that you get my point.

You see, I am wracked with unbelievable amounts of self doubt. It’s not that I don’t write well…I mean I could write pages and pages about almost anything.. It’s not even that my language skills are bad — they’re okay. I’m not the greatest writer alive, but I’m not all that bad either. But my biggest fear is, that I don’t even make it to the ‘average’ cut. And a bigger fear even, is that, I don’t have anything to write about.

I have, over the last several years, tried and failed to write and maintain blogs. I have tried and failed to write fanfiction. I wrote about 21 chapters and then gave up because, you guessed it right — I didn’t think I was good enough. And then, something unbelievable happened. After 7 years of writing and posting that fanfiction, someone actually subscribed to it last week. ONE PERSON actually wanted me to write more. And that thought terrified me more than ever!

I’m the kind of person who takes any responsibility very seriously. For me, any commitment I make, has to be seen through to the end — except when it comes to writing. I’m great at churning out pieces of content for work — I write for a living (well, at least 80% of my job is all about writing). And yet, when it comes to showcasing my own voice to the world, I go woefully quiet.

I keep wondering about the following issues

What is my voice?

Will people actually want to hear my voice?

Do I have the expertise to actually raise my voice against something or for something?

Do I have it in me to really make myself heard?

Will my voice be lost in this ocean of noise?

Does my voice even matter?

These are some pretty heavy questions to contemplate and I’ve realized, unless and until I don’t find answers to them, I’m never going to be able to write for myself.

So today, I’m doing the unthinkable — I’m laying myself bare — out there for the world to see me and comment. I’ve also realized, that I’m not going to be able to find answers to these questions without putting myself out there and bracing myself to accept anything and everything that comes my way because of it — the bouquets and the brickbats.

Am I ready for it all? Not at all. But am I tired of being scared? Yes. And so, I’m willing to open myself up to this experience. Whether it brings me pain or glory, only time will tell. Perhaps, I’ll replace one fear with another. The fear of losing my voice forever if I don’t use it at all. Maybe that will help me find the answers that I’ve been seeking. And maybe that will also help me face my fear of writing.